


Toronto

by Rakshi



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-05
Updated: 2012-12-25
Packaged: 2017-10-26 23:09:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/288916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rakshi/pseuds/Rakshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a Hobbit reunion and all seems fine. But is it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Wha’d ya think, Bills... are they  _gonna_?” Dom inquired, in a rasping false whisper, holding the side of his hand to his mouth in a sly (and totally phony) attempt to hide his words.

Billy leaned toward him across the table and whispered back just as loudly: “I dunno, Dommie. Do they  _look_  like they’re gonna?”

They turned as one and leaned toward Sean and Elijah, narrowing their eyes to better scrutinize their friends. 

Sean's mouth twisted in silent exasperation and he glanced quickly at Elijah, who merely snorted derisively. “I'd say that’s for us to know and  _you_  to find out,” he informed them, then downed a gulp of whiskey and turned to Sean. “I don’t think we should tell them anything... do you?”

“I don’t think you should  _encourage_  them," Sean replied with a weary sigh. "Now they'll never let it alone until they get an answer."

"Well, you could just 'gi us the answer," Billy chirped brightly. "Then we wouldn't be bugging you, my dear Seanie."

"But I  **can't**  give you the answer, my dear Billy," Sean told him, leaning forward. "...because I don't know the question! Are we gonna??" he asked. "Are we gonna  _what_?"

"Why, have hot Hobbit sex of course," Billy replied with a grin. "What else?"

For a long moment Sean eyed him silently with one raised eyebrow. "I think you're projecting," he said finally.

Dom snickered and raised his glass in Sean's direction.

Sean returned the toast, unable to suppress a sly grin, then turned back to Billy. "Hot Hobbit sex would have to include the two of  _you_  wouldn't it? We  _are_  the four Hobbits after all."

"Might want to reconsider that one, Sean, m'man," Dom informed him, shaking his head in grave concern. "Billy here can be damn near irresistible in bed. You might lose your Ring-bearer."

Billy grinned at Dom, then patted Sean's hand, his face growing serious. "I'd not steal yer' laddie away from you, Seanie. Honest. You can trust me." He smiled innocently, assuming what the other three called the 'Pippin face'... the look Billy habitually had on his face when he was trying to pull the wool over their eyes. "Let us watch, Seanie. We'll be REALLY quiet."

"Hmmmm,” Sean said, seeming to consider. "What'll you give me?"

"Would you really  _do_  that?" Elijah asked with fake indignation. 

"Well, of course not—," Sean began, turning to him.

"No, no, no!" Billy interrupted, grabbing Sean's arm. "You said we could watch! You can't back out now, can he Dommie?" 

"I said no such thing!" Sean burst out. "I never even—"

"Going back on his word," Dom interrupted with a sigh, shaking his head woefully. "Just…just... shocking."

Sean lowered his head and mumbled something unintelligible then turned to Elijah who was filling Sean's glass and giggling wildly. "Shocking," he muttered. "He finds it shocking that might not let the two of them stand around gawking during the…" he wheeled on Billy with a fake glare “...ONE OCCASION IN A FREAKING YEAR.." He took a long slow drink then slammed his glass to the table. "...that I get to spend a little time with someone I...," he stopped and stammered. "I mean - with ELIJAH!"

"Too late, Sean," Dom said with a smirk.

"Fine!" Sean said flatly. "With someone I care about." 

There was a collective "Awwwwwwww!" from the other three actors, then Billy turned to Dom. "'Care about' my  _ass_!"

Dom cackled with laughter. "I was just about to say..." Then he pointed to Sean. "Look at him!"

Sean had shoved his drink away and fallen, face forward, onto the table. He began to bang his forehead against it in a slow steady rhythm.

Still laughing, Elijah pulled him back from the table. "Stop that," he murmured. 

"I was just kidding around."

"I don't give a fuck! I will never find the idea of you hurting yourself amusing."

Sean gazed at him silently for a moment, then turned to Dom and Billy. "Why would I ever share  _that_?" he asked, jerking a thumb toward Elijah. "I'd have to be bat-shit crazy."

"Oh fer fuck's sake, Astin!" Dom said, covering his eyes, then his ears. "Enough with the Elijah worship! Christ, it's been a fucking  _decade_! Surely he's developed few a bad habits since New Zealand!"

"Not that I've noticed," Sean replied smoothly.

Dom shook his head and shoved his glass toward Billy. "Fill me! I can't listen to this sober."

Billy poured whiskey into Dom's glass, then turned back to Sean. "I'll give ya a tenner if we can watch."

"You're kidding!" Sean blurted. "No way! You're lowballing me! Watching us would be worth a LOT more than that!" He nodded toward Elijah. "He's pretty active. Puts on a damned good show."

"They're NOT watching!" Elijah exploded. "And would you quit talking about this? Fucking hell, what's wrong with you three! And not to put too fine a point on it, Astin, but you haven't even discussed this with ME yet! I haven't seen you in over a year. What makes you think I WANT to have sex with you?"

Sean arched an eyebrow. "I can tell."

Elijah snorted. "Bite me."

"Tease." Sean replied quickly.

"NOW it's getting good!" Billy spouted. "There's  _biting_!"

Dom crunched an ice cube and signaled the waitress to bring another bottle. "Oh, Bills... you and your  _biting_  fetish."

"I beg your pardon, Mr. Monaghan!" Billy said, tartly. "I do NOT have fetish!"

Dom rolled his eyes.

"It's merely a... " Billy said, then hesitated for a moment. "A preference!"

The new bottle arrived and Dom began to fill their glasses but Sean held a hand over his. "No, more for me." 

Elijah shook his head. "Lightweight."

"So what else is new?" Billy asked, shrugging. "He's always been a lightweight."

"I am NOT a lightweight," Sean protested. "I'm merely trying to—"

"Keep Elijah sober so he'll remember all that hot love you wanna make with him later?" Billy offered, helpfully.

Sean's face slowly reddened, and he lowered his head. "OK, OK," Elijah said, laying a hand on his shoulder. "Enough, you two. "

"But he never said if we could watch!" Billy persisted, grinning at Sean's red face.

"Well, *I* said you  _can't_!" Elijah snapped. "And in fact I said that there's nothing TO watch and that's an end to it!"

"Well, that's a bit selfish," Billy grumbled, then winked at Sean and whispered: "You worry too much."

Sean nodded grimly. "Yeah. I know." He shot a sideways glance at Elijah who'd been drawn into a conversation with Dom and the shoot's photographer who had just reappeared behind them. "How long is this thing supposed to last?" He asked Billy, keeping one ear cocked toward the conversation behind him, thinking it might provide some clues.

"I dunno," Billy replied. "You in a hurry?"

Elijah turned toward them and sighed. "We do the farewell video and we're done. About twenty minutes give or take. Jesus, this has taken longer than I thought."

"You tired of our company, Ring-bearer?" Dom asked, polishing off what remained in his glass.

"No. I'm just tired of being  _here_ ," Elijah grumbled, stretching. 

"I hear ya," Dom muttered, standing. "C'mon. They want us outside."

They all left the table and began to walk to the door, Sean slightly behind Elijah. He stretched out his arms and placed his hands on Elijah's shoulders as they walked. But when they emerged into the sunlight he stopped short and his hands slowly slid down Elijah's back as he walked away.

"What's up?" Dom asked, stopping beside Sean.

"Oh!" Sean replied, as if suddenly awakened from a dream. "Nothing. Just thinking about—"

"Tonight?" Dom encouraged with a grin, nudging Sean forward.

"No," Sean told him, beginning to walk by his side. "About the past ten years. About how much our relationships have changed and yet remained exactly the same. About these moments when we're together and how they leave me feeling." He turned and looked at Dom. "About all that."

"Not even a  _little_  about tonight?"

"Jesus!" Sean exclaimed with a quick grin. "You worry more about my sex life than I do!"

"He's missed you," Dom said quietly.

Surprised, Sean shot him a sideways glance. "I've missed  _him_ ," he replied then hesitated. "Do I detect a note of criticism?"

"No criticism. Just stating fact."

Sean grabbed Dom's arm and dragged him to a halt. "Listen, Dom. All this talk. All this teasing. Do you think he'd really consider - I mean honestly consider -?"

"You're asking  _me_?"

"Dom... please."

"Seanie, you're asking the wrong guy." He turned Sean so that he faced the other two actors who were walking slightly ahead of them, and pointed. "There he is. Go ask him."

Sean sighed and shook his head. "I'm scared."

"Scared he'll say 'no'?" Dom asked him quietly. "Or scared he'll say 'yes'."

Sean stared into his eyes but made no response while ahead of them Elijah yelled back, "Hurry the fuck up, you two. I'm fucking freezing! Let's get this over with."

The four actors allowed themselves to be directed through the final video. They walked back and forth down the alleyway several times, in various formations, chatting casually as their groups formed and reformed. Finally they were done.

The crew began to pack up while Dom and Billy huddled with the bartender, asking about 'Amsterdam Tilted Kilt Scotch Ale', a rare brew they'd heard was available in Toronto. Sean stood near Elijah who was rubbing his arms and shivering.

"Fuck! I'm, glad that's over! Freezing out there! Are we like a mile from the north pole or what?"

"D'you want my coat?"

"No," Elijah said, laughing. "Then  _you'd_  be cold!"

Sean said nothing.

"Thanks though," Elijah said.

Sean shrugged.

"You still being Sam after all these years?"

Sean blushed again, fidgeting at Elijah's side.

"For fuck's sake, Sean! You act like a twelve-year-old caught with his hand in the cookie jar. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just feels... I dunno. Weird or something. Being alone with you."

Irritated, Elijah pointed to their friends. "So walk over to Dom and Billy, then you won't  _be_  alone with me!"

Sean grabbed his arm. "No. It's not that. I  _want_  to be alone with you!"

"You embarrassed by all the teasing they did? About us having sex?"

"No. Not at all. I was teasing right back." He stopped for a moment, then smiled. "I'm  _really_  not bothered by the idea of making love with you, Elijah.  _REALLY!_ "

"You don't say." He considered Sean for a moment in contemplative silence. "Is this a prelude to something?" he asked finally. "Some sort of... confession or, I dunno... maybe... a..." he hesitated, "... a  _request_  of some kind?"

"If it was, what would you say?" Sean asked quickly.

Elijah burst out laughing. "OH, no you don't! You're such a fucking coward, Astin! If you want something, ask for it. Don't try to manipulate me into  _giving_  you some kind of guarantee. It won't work. I won't do it."

Embarrassed, Sean laughed softly. "OK. OK," he told Elijah. "You're right. I  _am_  a coward, about this at least." He sighed and shot a sideways glance at his friend. "You're going to make me ask you?"

"Don't be pathetic." Elijah told him, rubbing his arms, trying to warm up.

With an exasperated sigh, Sean ripped his coat off and draped it over Elijah's shoulders. "Take this!" he insisted, then immediately interrupted Elijah's protest. "No! Shut up and take it! I can't stand seeing you freeze to death. And I'm not pathetic... merely cowardly."

"Trouble with you is," Elijah began, sliding Sean's coat on over his own. "Jesus, you've gained weight!" He shook his arms to show how big Sean's coat was on his slender frame.

Sean nodded and waved his hand encouragingly. "Yeah, yeah. Trouble with me is...,".

"You've never had to 'woo' me," Elijah informed him. "When we met I fell right into your arms like a..."

"Teenager with a crush?" Sean prompted with a grin.

"Keep it up," Elijah warned. Then he laughed. "Seems to me I remember  _you_  having a pretty big crush going on yourself!"

"I did, indeed," Sean murmured. "Still do for that matter."

"Beside the point," Elijah stated flatly. "You never had to convince me."

"And now I do?"

"You bet your ass you do! After how you've treated me? You're damned right you have to convince me. You have to ASK. In fact, I might make you  _beg_  before this is all over with."

"But you'll say 'yes' in the end... right?" Sean asked hopefully.

"I said no guarantees," Elijah told him. "I might not." For a long moment he was silent. "YOU sure didn't!" he pointed out finally.

"I didn't say 'no' either."

"No. You just disappeared," Elijah stated flatly. "Frankly, I would have preferred the 'no', Sean. I think anyone would."

"I have to 'woo' you," Sean murmured. "Sort of an old-fashioned word, isn't it?"

"I'm an old-fashioned boy."

"I'm not sure I know how to... 'woo'."

"I'm not surprised to hear it. Chris agreed to marry you on what, your second date? And I stupidly fell into your arms without you having to do anything more demanding than flaunt your boyish charms. It's all been too easy for you. It's time you learned."

"You going to teach me?"

"No, I am NOT! I'm your judge and jury, not your teacher. This one's all on you."

"But you might say 'no'."

"Damn right, I might. That's a chance you'll have to take. If I'm not worth the risk... then go home and leave me in peace." He eyed Sean skeptically. "Frankly, I doubt you'll have the stones for it. You might have to lower some those convenient emotional barriers you've got built around yourself."

"Elijah, please," Sean said. "This whole thing scares me to death."

"Then leave."

"NO!"

Elijah shrugged. "OK, then." He looked at Sean expectantly. "Get on with it."

"Here? NOW? Jesus! Can we maybe be alone?? In your room? Or mine? Anything but this public place!"

They both swiveled toward the bar where Dom and Billy had been talking with the bartender and saw that their two friends were perched on barstools drinking ale and grinning at them.

"Fighting already?" Billy called over.

Sean sighed. "Elijah, could you? I mean... I just can't right now." He flopped down into a nearby chair, worrying a fingernail while Elijah walked to the bar.

"Gonna take him to my place," he said quietly. "We sorta need to talk."

Dom drew in a deep breath. "Listen, Lij. He's fucked up, there's no question of that. But the guy's nuts about you. Don't torture him. If you don't want it... tell him."

"I don't know  _what_  I want," Elijah said hotly. "All I know is, he's going to have to work for anything he gets from me."

"Lij," Billy said softly, reaching out to touch his arm. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Yes," Elijah snapped. He turned to walk away, then stopped and slowly turned back. "Sorry," he murmured. "See you two for breakfast?"

Dom nodded understandingly. "We'll be here." He watched Elijah walk away then shook his head sadly and turned to Billy. "I would NOT want to be a fly on  _that_  particular wall."

"Poor Seanie," Billy said softly. "Has to be hard on him."

"Is it hard on YOU?"

Billy shot him a quick glance. "A subject for another time," he said, turning to his ale.

Sean hadn't moved since Elijah left. He stared fixedly at the far wall, his mind wandering aimlessly.  _It's fine until I SEE him,_  he thought glumly.  _Then I don't know how I could ever bear to be without him._

When he saw Elijah walking toward him time seemed to slow.  _He has such GRACE,_  Sean thought.  _He's so sweet! So kind! He's the most loving person I've ever known._  He squirmed in the chair as Elijah drew closer.  _And I hurt him. I hurt him **badly**_.

As he approached, Elijah pulled his keys out of his pocket. "You ready?"

"We going to your place?" Sean asked as he stood, gesturing to the keys in Elijah's hand.

"Yeah. My place." Elijah eyed him, bouncing the keys in his hand. "Is that a problem?" He removed Sean's coat and handed it back to him. "Here."

"Thanks," Sean said, taking his jacket. "And, of course it's not a problem. Why would it be?"

Elijah made no response, but turned and walked toward the door. Sean watched his retreating back for a moment, his heart sinking. He sighed and turned to Dom and Billy, giving them a listless wave before turning to follow Elijah.

Elijah said nothing during the ride to his hotel. His hands were clenched tightly on the steering wheel, and he never so much as glanced at Sean. His eyes remained fixed on the road ahead.

Sean ached to speak. To cover the tense silence with words that called forth memories of their long relationship, of how close they'd been, of their love for each other. But some instinct stopped him. He knew that he'd be speaking out of a desperate need to break down the rigid barriers Elijah had erected between them. And he knew that this was a tactic that wouldn't work. Not this time.

"How're Chris and the girls?" Elijah asked finally.

"They're fine. They send their love."

Elijah gave a short, harsh laugh. "Uh huh."

"They DO, Elijah!" Sean insisted.

Elijah turned and shot him a glance, his eyes like daggers. "Chris sends me her  _love_?" he asked in disbelief, 

For a moment Sean hesitated, then he sighed and lowered his head.

"Right," Elijah said with quiet sarcasm. "I thought so. Frankly, I'm amazed you managed to get away without them. I figured they'd be velcroed to your leg."

Sean shot him a small smile. "Well, they wanted to be, but I said 'no'. I needed to see you alone."

"Really? Chris had to love  _that_!"

"You worried about Chris?" Sean asked quietly.

"When it comes to you, Sean, the only one I'm worried about is ME." He turned into the hotel garage and quickly parked. "We can take the back way," Elijah said as they emerged. "They gave me a key." He gestured toward a nearby elevator. "It's there."

Sean nodded and silently followed Elijah to the elevator. He longed to touch him, to reach out as he had just a short time ago and lay his hands on Elijah's shoulders. But he didn't quite dare. Something indefinable had changed since the four Hobbit actors had sat together in the bar, teasing and laughing. Without Dom and Billy's reassuring presence, Elijah had retreated behind a wall of mistrust. Wary now, his body was tense. He exuded a reluctance to let Sean near him. Touching him was out of the question.

 _Is he afraid?_ , Sean wondered.  _Will he ever relent or will it always be like this?_  He felt a shadow of icy dread form around his heart. Their time with Dom and Billy had eased some of his fears, especially when they teased about Sean and Elijah making love. Sean had allowed himself to take a measure of comfort from the open, easy comradery of their conversations. Elijah had seemed comfortable and close. Accessible.

But not now.

They entered Elijah's room without saying another word, and Elijah walked directly to the phone. After speaking quietly for a moment he turned to Sean. "Beer?" he inquired.

"Make mine a diet soda of some kind," Sean told him, sinking into the first easy chair he spotted. 

"Want some food?" Elijah asked, his hand covering the receiver.

"Being a good host?" Sean asked him.

"No thanks," Elijah said into the receiver and hung the phone up. 

"You sure you want to mix beer with what you've been drinking?"

"You sure you want to tell a thirty-year-old man how to drink?"

Sean sighed and held out his hands in a gesture of entreaty. "Elijah, I was just trying to..."

"We're not there yet," Elijah said shortly, taking his coat off and gesturing for Sean to do likewise.

Sean removed his jacket, feeling an aching, hopeless sadness roil in his chest. "Lij, if this is how it's going to be..." Sean began slowly.

"Leave anytime you like," Elijah said, shrugging.

"Do you hate me?"

"If I did, you wouldn't be in my room."

"Do you care at  _all_?"

"We're not there yet," Elijah repeated. "You don't get to ask questions right now, Sean. Well...," he hesitated. "You CAN. But, clearly, I'm not going to answer them."

"I have to 'woo' you," Sean said with a small smile.

"You have to prove I can trust you," Elijah said, removing his tie and flopping down on the bed. He tugged his shirt out of his pants and kicked off his shoes while Sean watched him intently.

"What if I can't?" Sean asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Keep trying until you do," Elijah replied. "Or... don't. Totally up to you, dude. If I'm not worth the effort, leave."

Sean felt his eyes begin to burn. "God, Elijah," he rasped. "I've never seen you... heard you...  _felt_  you... be cold like this."

"Let that be an indication to you of how much your dismissal of our friendship hurt me."

Sean nodded. "So now I have to be punished."

"No," Elijah said, lighting a cigarette and reaching to the bedside table to grab an ashtray. "Now you have to prove I can trust you."

"How do I do that?"

"You don't get to ask questions, Astin. Figure it out."

Sean nodded. "OK." He sighed deeply and ran his fingers through his hair. "Jesus!" he said suddenly. "Everything I can think of to say to you is a question!"

Elijah nodded and for the first time since they'd left the bar, he smiled. "Of course. Makes perfect sense that it would be."

"Why?" Sean asked, then quickly added. "Sorry, I know that's a question, but..."

"Because it's how you set me up. It's how you set everybody up. You figure out what they want to hear, then say it. It's a trick you learned as a kid. You're good at emotional manipulation. Keeps you in safe territory. Just like your high sounding protestations about being a 'family man' make it easy to rationalize dumping me.” Elijah shook his head. "You couldn't help it. You're a," he paused and made fake quotation marks in the air. "... 'family man'. So no matter what you do, you end up being the good guy."

Sean stared at him in silence.

"And above all else... you  _need_  to be the good guy. To your mother. To me. To Chris. To everyone."

"Elijah..."

"You don't get to be the good guy today, Sean. Not if you want me back."

"Jesus, I DO want you back!"

"Then your days as a 'good guy' slash 'family man' are over."

"You want me to leave Chris?"

"I don't want you to do a damn thing except stop asking me questions!"

"Lij, I'll..."

"I don't want to hear one fucking word about what you're 'going' to do. If your marriage isn't working and you WANT to leave Chris, then do it. But do it knowing that it might not make a damn bit of difference as far as we're concerned."

Sean stared at him, feeling that he'd been struck dumb. 

"Do it because it's what you want, Sean. NOT because it's what I want. "

Sean swallowed hard, his throat aching. But deep within him a small, still voice spoke, telling him that Elijah had touched on an essential truth that lay at the very core of his nature. One he'd never been willing to face before. He began to tremble and clenched his hands together in a vain attempt to still them. He could hear his own breathing becoming erratic, but felt powerless to control it. He glanced at Elijah and saw a flicker of something flash in his eyes.  _Love_? Sean thought.  _Or is it pity._

"I'm a phony," he said at last.

"Sometimes," Elijah acknowledged with a small smile. "Yeah. You are." He crushed out his cigarette. "And that was good just then. I liked that."

"What?"

Elijah shrugged. "You didn't ask me a question. You TOLD me something." He could see that Sean was trembling, struggling with his emotions. "Look, man," he said softly. "It doesn't have to happen tonight, you know."

"Do you think I could stand another night like this one?"

Elijah could feel his resolve weakening. He steeled himself and shrugged. "Up to you, dude."

"Am I the only one who wants this?"

"Question, Sean. That was a question. Not allowed. Let's go back to you're a phony," Elijah said standing and walking to the window. "Start there."

"I'm always acting," Sean murmured, staring at his trembling hands. "It's not even a choice anymore I don't think. You're right that I manipulate. I see what's needed and provide it. I never think about whether or not it's genuine." He lifted his head and looked at Elijah who was gazing out the window with his back turned. "But, isn't that what you DO? If you want people to like you, I mean. Isn't that what you do? Give them what they want and need?"

"Question," Elijah stated without turning around, staring down to the parking lot below, his mind a blank.

"I thought that's what you did," Sean said miserably.

"No you didn't!" Elijah snapped, wheeling to look at him. "You're not that stupid. C'mon, Sean, knock it off. Hell, even in this interview you sounded defensive anytime the subject of us seeing each other came up. And you know damn good and well that there's a difference between doing something for someone you love because you care about their happiness, and doing it because you care about your OWN! "

"Is that what I was doing?" Sean asked him. 

Elijah gave a short laugh. "Please."

"So you'd rather have a painful truth than a comforting lie," Sean said.

"That's like asking me if I'd like to be killed by slow torture or a quick bullet. What the fuck do you think?"

Sean opened his mouth to speak but Elijah interrupted.... "Do you think someone who loves you  _wants_  to be lied to? Jesus! I can't love someone if I don't know who the fuck they ARE!"

"Lij...," Sean began.

"No. No, Seanie." Elijah held his hands out as if pushing Sean even further away. "I'm not even sure that YOU know who you are anymore. DO you?" 

"How come you get to ask questions and I don't," Sean murmured.

"Because I'm running this show and you're not. Because you betrayed and abandoned ME, not the other way around."

"OK, OK," Sean said, his hands raised as if to ward off a blow. "Jesus! I GET it!"

Elijah glared at him and turned back to the window. "Then act like it."

After a long moment Sean said: "I'm sitting here trying to come up with a script that'll work for me here."

Elijah turned back to face him. "And?"

"And there isn't one, is there."

"A question, but I'll allow it. No. There isn't."

Sean's breath caught in a quick sob. "Jesus!" he choked. His face fell forward into his hands. "Jesus, Elijah."

Elijah turned back to gaze out the window, his own hands clenched into fists so tight that even his nail bitten fingers cut into his palms. He didn't know how much more of this he could take.

"There was never any room for me," Elijah said finally. "I got the leavings. I got what was left after you'd torn yourself away from being a 'good guy' slash 'family man'. And you never for a moment hid how wracked with guilt and self-loathing you felt because of it."

"Lij...," Sean stammered. "Please..."

"I was your dirty little secret," Elijah said in a hoarse whisper.

"No!" Sean protested, surging to his feet. "That's not true! You're wrong about that. You are! You're wrong!"

"No I'm not," Elijah spat, wheeling to face him again. "You think I didn't know all along that eventually the guilt and loathing would win out and you'd ditch me?"

Sean took two quick steps toward him. "No!" he cried. "No, Elijah. I'll cop to everything else. But what we had was NEVER 'dirty' in my mind and heart. Never. Take that back!"

Elijah stared at him in silence.

"Elijah, fucking take that back!" Sean demanded, moving even closer, his fists clenched.

For a moment Elijah continued to stare silently while Sean stood before him, his breathing harsh and irregular. Finally Elijah shrugged. "OK. I take it back."

"I loved you, Elijah."

Elijah nodded. "I believe you."

"I still do."

Elijah sighed and walked past Sean to sit, once again, on the bed. "You say that as though it's relevant."

"It has to be  _somewhat_  relevant," Sean insisted. "Why else would I be here?"

"I dunno," Elijah said, gazing questioningly into Sean's face. "Why ARE you here? You chose to come. Don't put it on me. Sean. Why ARE you here? Because you feel as much guilt about me as you do about Chris?"

Sean turned away for a moment, seeming to consider this. Then he turned back to Elijah and shook his head. "No. That's not why I'm here."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely sure."

"I have no clue what you really want. I can't even be sure that YOU know. Do you know what you want, Sean?" Elijah asked abruptly.

"I want you."

"Too simple."

"I want US."

Elijah smiled, and for the first time since they'd entered his room, he seemed to relax a bit. "Less simple," he said. "But still not the whole truth."

Sean walked to the bed and sat down beside his friend. For a long moment he said nothing. Then he reach out and took Elijah's hand. For a moment, Elijah resisted, then he seemed to relent and allowed Sean to press his hand between both of his.

"I want to have it all," he said simply. "I want to be the 'good guy' slash 'family man' and still have my love affair with you. I want you to be...." he struggled for a word, then shuddered and released Elijah's hand. "I want you to be conveniently there for me when I can manage to eek out a few minutes for you and be compliant and silent when I can't. And I want to feel good about both roles. Like I'm doing all of you some kind of 'favor' or something."

Elijah nodded slowly. "That's probably the most honest thing you've ever said to me, Seanie. It gives me hope."

"I'm glad it gives  _you_  something to feel good about, " Sean said in disgust. "It makes  _me_  sick inside to admit to being such a selfish cold-blooded dick."

Elijah shrugged. "What did you think, Seanie? That you could take a male lover and spend years sneaking around behind your wife's back to see him then walk away feeling like 'Dudley Do-Right'?"

Sean said nothing. Tears had begun to track down his face. Slowly.... like raindrops sliding down a windowpane. He didn't raise his hand to wipe them away, but stared silently ahead of him as if he didn't even notice them.  
"It's really over isn't it," Sean whispered finally.

"That's more or less up to you," Elijah told him.

"I don't know how to win you back, Elijah."

"Start here," Elijah told him. "Start with: it wasn't the fact that you ended our relationship that destroyed my trust in you. It was how you did it.  _That_  was the betrayal."

Sean slowly nodded. He still didn't speak, not trusting his voice. Not sure if he could speak without bursting into uncontrollable sobs.

Elijah reached out and reclaimed his hand. "Let it go for awhile," he whispered. 

Sean shook his head. "How could you even still  _want_  me around after that?" How could Chris have stayed with me?"

Elijah toyed with Sean's fingers and shrugged. "I have no clue about Chris's feelings. You'd have to ask her about that. As for me..." He sighed and linked his fingers with Sean's. "I want you around because even though, as Dom pointed out to me tonight, you're totally fucked up, I still love you and want to hope that maybe we can work this out."

"Why?" Sean asked, tightening his fingers around Elijah's. "WHY? And please don't tell me you won't answer questions."

"Jesus!" Elijah said, lifting his hand to shake Sean's shoulder. "Stop it! Because as true as all those things ARE, that's not all there IS to you!"

"Elijah..." Sean began, but Elijah shook his head.

"Before we take this one step further, you need to know that it can't be like it was. I won't do that again, Sean. So if that's what you've got in mind let's just shake hands and call it a night."

"I'll do anything you say."

"You still don't get it," Elijah said, his hand falling from Sean's shoulder. "I'm not going to SAY anything. This is on YOU, Sean. You have to show me. You have to prove to me. You have to..." he stopped for a moment, then smiled. "'woo' me."

"Like... ask you out on a date and stuff?"

Elijah shrugged. "What you do is up to you. I'm not going to give you a guidebook. It has to come from you and it has to be genuine. If I think for one moment you're dicking me around just to get what you want, I'll...," he hesitated. "Well, let's just say that'll be the end of it for good. And I can tell you for a fact that nothing is going to happen tonight. Nothing."

"I didn't think anything  _would_  happen tonight. Frankly, I was surprised you were willing to talk to me alone."

Elijah gave a short laugh. "It wasn't part of my plan. My plan was to be coolly distant and leave without speaking to you alone."

"What changed your mind?"

Elijah stared at him in silence for a long moment, then shrugged. "I guess," he began, then shook his head. "I dunno. Truth to tell it's just not easy for me to be hurtful to someone I love. Even when they deserve it."

"I'm glad, Elijah."

"You have to decide what you want, Sean, and you have to do it now. If you take six months to figure this out, it'll be way too late. I'm done fooling around with this relationship because when I do, I'm the only one who suffers. You ride off into the sunset with your adoring family, and I'm not the same for a year. I won't do it anymore. You can't have it both ways anymore."

"You've made that much pretty clear," Sean told him. "Though you need to know that you're really  _not_  the only one who suffers. Being without you is agony for me."

"Yet, you stayed away from me anyway," Elijah said quietly, then he sighed. "Seanie, if you're not up to it... if you're not ready... then let it go. Give us both a break and let it go so we can both move on emotionally."

Sean nodded. He stared at the far wall for a long moment, then pulled out his iPhone. After consulting it for a moment, he turned back to his friend. "Dinner? A week from tonight? You pick the place."

Elijah walked to the nightstand and picked up  _his_  iPhone. After a moment he turned back to Sean. "Done. 'Bamboo House' on Hollywood Boulevard. Text me the time. I'll meet you there if you like."

"No. I'll pick you up. If it's a date, then it's a date."

"And what about Chris?" he asked, a small smile touched his lips. "I deliberately picked a pretty popular public place."

"That's not your problem. You just be ready at seven. I'll be there."

"I want the whole evening, Sean. And I don't want a dozen phone calls interrupting us. I get the whole evening."

Sean smiled. "I'll turn the phone off." He stood and walked to where Elijah stood beside his bed and rested a hand on his shoulder. "May I kiss you on the cheek to say goodnight?"

"Sean, you'd better be sure you want this because my days of ducking and hiding so you can claim the title of 'world's best husband' are totally fucking over. I won't be treated like a bad habit."

Sean nodded. "I know. I have a lot of thinking to do before we meet again. I won't be stupid enough to make any promises, but maybe we can talk more at dinner so I can share any..." he hesitated. "... truths," he said finally. "that I might discover in the process."

Elijah nodded. "And, yes. You may."

Sean looked his confusion.

"Kiss me on the cheek," Elijah told him. "To say goodnight."

Sean leaned forward and pressed his lips to Elijah's cheek. The scent of his skin nearly took Sean's breath away, but he forced himself to step back. His hand slid down Elijah's arm and he briefly clasped Elijah's hand in his before turning toward the door. He stopped for a moment to grab his jacket and turned back. "I'll call a cab from the lobby."

Elijah nodded, afraid to speak. Afraid to drop his guard for even an instant. Afraid he'd never be able to let Sean go.

"I love you," Sean said softly.

Elijah nodded again. "I know."

And Sean walked quietly out of the room.

Elijah stood staring at the door for a long, long time. He felt sick inside over the conversation that had just taken place and it took every ounce of his strength not to hurl himself at the door and call Sean back to him. But that strength held and he slowly sank to the bed. "Now I'm the one who's acting," he murmured to the empty room. Whether or not Sean would make good, he had no idea. Sure as he was of Sean's love for him he had no real hope that things would change. 

He sighed, weary to the core, and began to undress. "Maybe," he whispered. "Just... maybe."


	2. Toronto - Date Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's date night and they're feeling both anxiety and hope. After their devastating conversation in Toronto, can their relationship be made whole again?

It was getting late. They and one other couple were the only ones left in the restaurant. The staff was moving here and there with cleaning supplies, clearly wanting to finish up and close, and yet the two of them continued to sit, silent and unmoving, looking at each other as if each of them was waiting for the other to speak. 

There hadn't been much conversation when Sean picked him up, just a brief hello and a nod. He had waited patiently for Elijah to fasten his seatbelt then had driven to the restaurant, all in complete silence. He was nervous as hell and had determined a strategy for this dinner, which revolved around his belief that the less he said the better off he'd be. 

If Elijah noticed his low-key approach he did not comment on it, but he _had_ laughed over the boutonniere. Sean had handed it to him once they were seated, and for a moment Elijah had simply stared. "You serious with this?"

"I knew you'd laugh. But I had to."

Elijah pulled it from its plastic container and gazed at it, bemused. "For fuck's sake, why?"

"Because this is a date," Sean replied firmly, and Elijah laughed again. Then he stopped laughing and fastened the white flower to the lapel of his jacket.

"Well, I'm not dressed up enough for a boutonniere, but... OK." He pointed to the blossom. "Now it's an official date."

Elijah had leaned slightly forward when he said this last phrase, and his voice had dropped to a lower register that seemed to suggest an affectionate familiarity. And Sean flushed and lowered his eyes, embarrassed by the rush of warmth that spread through him at even such a small gesture hinting at closeness between them.

He tried not to stare during dinner, but at times it was a struggle, and he bit his lip from the effort to rein in his feelings. Elijah was dressed casually in jeans, a brown cotton shirt, and a navy blue corduroy jacket. His scuffed, leather man-bag lay propped against the legs of his chair. He was Elijah at his most informal, but none of that mattered. Sean longed for this man with every fiber of his being.

He had no idea at this point where he stood with Elijah. They had not talked since their meeting in Toronto, a meeting that Sean would always remember as a low point in his life. He was convinced that he would never be able to withstand another arctic-cold reaction from this man whom he loved so deeply. He was certain it would create an emotional tsunami within himself, sure to have disastrous consequences. And he was mortally afraid.

So far though, Elijah's treatment of him had been cautiously neutral. With the exception of the one moment with the boutonniere there had been neither rejection nor acceptance in his tone. They were simply two longtime acquaintances catching up over dinner. 

Sean wasn't sure why they lingered so long after finishing, but he refused to be the first to suggest leaving. He was fearful that Elijah would want to be taken straight home and reluctant to give up this time with him without making the most of every possible moment.  


Finally Elijah sighed. "Maybe we'd better talk about the oliphaunt in the middle of the room."

Sean glanced at him quickly. "Yeah? Truth to tell I was just as happy _not_ talking about it." But he straightened and leaned toward Elijah, staring at him over the table's centerpiece. "You start."

"Sean, we don't have to discuss any of this. I just thought—"

"You start," Sean said again. "Ignore me. I'm just scared."

"Of what, for fuck's sake?"

"Of another encounter like the last one we had." He glanced down at the table then back up at Elijah. "You want honesty, so here it is. I don't think I could endure another conversation like our last one. I'd simply go off somewhere and wither into nothingness."

Elijah nodded. "I understand. And I can safely assure you that this conversation will be more cordial than the last one."

"Thank Christ! Because the last one nearly killed me."

For a moment Elijah's eyes flashed with the icy glacial-blue that had pierced Sean's heart in Toronto. "That's what it was _meant_ to do, Sean. The way it was between us had to die. And you had to know that beyond the shadow of any fucking doubt what-so-fucking-ever."

"Trust me," Sean replied softly. "I got it." There was a moment of uncomfortable silence, and then he spoke again. "You start."

"How was it when you got home?"

Sean gave a short derisive laugh. "About as pleasant as our conversation in Toronto."

"I'm sorry, Sean."

Sean shrugged. "Don't be. She was pissed way before I left to meet up with you guys. She's pissed _anytime_ I'm going to be anywhere near you."

"Why?"

Sean flushed and lowered his head. "I don't want to tell you."

"Well now you HAVE to tell me."  


Sean still stared down at the tabletop. "OK. In a moment of weakness in the middle of a horrendous argument..." he drew a deep breath and looked up. "... I told her about us."

"You WHAT??! You fucking idiot!"

"Tell me about it."

"Sean, how _could_ you?" He stared into Sean's eyes for a moment in obvious disgust, then picked up his napkin and threw it to the table. "What the hell was the point to THAT?"

"How the fuck do I know, Elijah?" Sean replied just as heatedly. "Point? There WAS no point! There was just the moment and the fight and you KNOW I don't do well with intense emotion and it just came OUT!"

He reached his hand hesitantly toward Elijah who stared silently over toward the wall, but then withdrew it slowly before he saw the gesture. "I've never regretted anything more," Sean said at last. "And I've paid a heavy price for it if that's any consolation to you."

"Why the hell would that console me?" Elijah asked him. "You think I want you to be miserable?"

"No. I don't. And I apologize, Elijah. It was a betrayal of your trust, and it never should have happened."

"Ya THINK?" Elijah asked shortly, his face still turned to the wall.

Sean could see that his friend's hands were trembling. "Elijah," he said softly. "Please don't. Please. It was a mistake. I admit that. Don't punish me for it anymore than I've already been punished... anymore than I've punished myself."

"Let's go," Elijah said suddenly, rising from his chair.

Sean gasped and bolted to his feet, sure that Elijah was angry and asking to be taken home. He felt his heart leap in his chest. "Go?" he asked, his voice quavering. "Lij, please..." He held out his hand in appeal. 

"I meant let's go to my place," Elijah explained, throwing some money onto the table. "Finish talking there. I don't want to do this in public anymore."

Sean groped for the tabletop and slumped against it for a moment in stunned relief, then he picked up the money Elijah had thrown there and held it out to him. "Date, remember? I pay."

"Like it fucking matters now," Elijah replied. But when Sean continued to stand in stubborn silence holding out the money, Elijah took it and shoved it into his pocket. "OK, fine. Date. Let's go."

Sean yearned to speak as he drove to Elijah's house, but his friend had turned slightly away from him in the passenger seat and was staring fixedly out the window. His demeanor did not invite conversation, and Sean forced himself into silence.

The moment they entered, Elijah waved Sean to a chair and walked into the kitchen only to return moments later with his jacket gone and a beer in each hand. He handed one to Sean then fell backwards onto his couch and reclined there propped against some pillows.

"OK," he said, his voice determined. "So now she hates the very mention of my name. Go on. What happened when you got home?"

"Elijah, I'm sorry," Sean said miserably. He was sure that telling Elijah about his impulsive confession to Chris had ruined everything. 

"Let's just move past it," Elijah said quickly. "I wish you hadn't done it, but I understand how it could have happened." He waved his hand encouragingly. "Go on."

Relieved, Sean leaned forward in the chair. "We fought of course. She'd been pissed that I was going in the first place. She was even _more_ pissed when I insisted on going alone. So yeah. She'd been primed for a fight since before I left."

"What did she say?"

"She asked questions and demanded honest answers, then when I gave them to her she got more pissed off than ever."

"What questions?"

"'Did you see him?' 'Did you kiss him' 'Did you make love to him?' And on and on like that."

"And you were honest."

"Yes. I told her that of _course_ I saw you since the whole point to going was a Hobbit reunion. I told her that I kissed your cheek twice and that I did not make love to you." He took a long swig of his beer. "Then she asked the question I'd been dreading."

"Which was..."

"Did you WANT to make love to him?"

"And you said..." Elijah encouraged.

"I told her the truth. I told her I was sorry, but yes, I did want to make love to you. I told her that I'd hoped I wouldn't want to. That I'd hoped things had changed. But they hadn't."

Elijah tried to speak, but Sean continued in a rush.

"Then she asked me why I hadn't gone to bed with you since I wanted to so badly and I told her 'Because he didn't want me. He didn't want anything to do with me.'"

"Ouch," Elijah murmured, wincing.

"Yeah," Sean said dryly. "And you know what she said to that?"

"I can't imagine."

"She said 'Good for Elijah!'"

The two men stared at each other for a long moment, then burst into simultaneous laughter. "Jesus!" Elijah choked. "She's shoots... she SCORES!"

"No shit!" Sean agreed, chuckling. "Laid me low with that one." He took another swallow of beer, and then shook his head. "And if you liked that, you'll LOVE this. As she walked out of the room she turned and said: 'Elijah doesn't want you. And right now, Sean, neither do I.'"

"Wow," Elijah murmured. "Well, OK. I gotta give that round to Chris."

"And again, I say 'No shit'!" Sean murmured in agreement.

"Why would you want to leave a woman with that much class?" Elijah inquired softly.

"Are you serious?"

"Of course I'm serious!"

Sean shook his head, staring at his friend in wide-eyed amazement. "For fuck's sweet sake, Elijah. I want to leave because I'm not in love with her anymore. I'm in love with YOU!"

"That's not true," Elijah told him bluntly. "The truth, Sean, is that you DON'T want to leave. If you did you _would_ have by now. You told me what you wanted in Toronto. You want to have both of us, and you want both of us to be OK with that."

"That's what I said in Toronto. But that is no longer true."

"No?"

"No."

"So what's Sean Astin's truth now?"

"I'm not sure Sean Astin has one anymore."

Elijah chuckled. "Well, that would certainly be the safer position."

"When I'm dealing with YOU!"

"Or your wife, apparently."

"Yeah. Or my wife."

"How's your beer?"

"It's fine," Sean said quickly, setting the bottle on a nearby table. "Look, Elijah. I'm not going to say I don't _love_ Chris. I do. I probably always will. Why wouldn't I? As you pointed out, she's a classy lady. She's my friend and the mother of my children. But, don't you see, that's just it!!"

"What's just it?"

"I was there with them. With her and the girls. In the bosom of my family so to speak."

"Was this before or after she said she didn't want you either?"

"After."

"So you're still speaking?"

"We're..." Sean drew the word out thoughtfully "... communicating. But things are not friendly, and I've been sleeping in the guest room."

"Was that her idea or yours?"

"It wasn't really discussed. I just went there on the first night, and on the second night I found all my clothes had been moved there."

Elijah made a finger gesture as if writing a number on a scoreboard.

"You keeping score?"

"Maybe. And if I am, you're getting your ass handed to you, son."

Sean scoffed softly. "Well, that's _always_ been the case."

"Go on."

"With what?"

"You were saying 'that's just IT'. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, that's just it. I'm there with them. We're sitting around the family room in the evening, and the girls are there and even with the weirdness it's still relatively normal and familiar. And I should be happy... or at least feeling OK."

"But..."

"But even then, Elijah. Even then. I knew I didn't belong there anymore. I knew it."

Elijah pursed his lips and blew out a long sigh. "Whew. That has to hurt."

"It's just horribly sad."

"Did she ask for a divorce?"

"No, but she told me I should feel free to get one if I wanted one."

"Big of her."

"Yeah," Sean said dryly. "That's what I thought."

"What was said about us?" He moved his index finger back and forth between himself and Sean. "I mean about you and me."

"Not much. I mentioned that you were as disgusted with me as she was, and she told me she didn't want to hear it. She said she would not go on playing second fiddle to - to you."

"To _what_ , Sean? What did she really say?"

"She said just that. Her exact words were: 'I won't go on playing second fiddle to a - to _him_ '."

"To which you said..."

"I told her she wasn't playing second fiddle, that this wasn't a contest, and that I loved you both."

"Uh oh."

"Yeah, that was a mistake."

"No shit, Sherlock," Elijah said, laughing. "Are you aware that your foot and your mouth have this incredibly dysfunctional relationship?"

Sean grunted, nodding. "You don't know the half of it." He grabbed his beer again and drank a long swallow. "I apologized of course, but the damage was done. She was furious. Suggested that maybe she get Tuesdays, Thursdays, and alternate weekends."

"Then turned on her heel and walked out of the room?"

"Something like that."

"No one could write anything this good. It would make a great movie."

"More like a great soap opera."

"You have a point. So where does she think you are tonight?"

"Here with you."

"Seriously?"

"I'm done lying, Elijah. I told her we were going to dinner and that we might talk afterward."

"And she said..."

"Well, what do you think? She gave me a disgusted look and said, 'Oh, SURE. Talk. Right.'"

Elijah laughed.

"I pointed out to her that you didn't want to do anything more than talk even if I DID."

Elijah laughed even harder. "Oh my god, you just can't stop yourself can you?"

"I know. I should have my tongue surgically removed."

"And THEN she turned on her heel and walked out of the room."

"STALKED out of it would be more accurate." Sean sighed. "Thing is, I know her. Under all this huffy anger, she's suffering. She's too damn prideful to let me see it."

"An admirable woman."

"You keep pointing that out."

"I'm not interested in a relationship with you, Sean, that involves us doing a celebratory dance over your wife's broken and battered body. You will never hear me bad-mouthing Chris. You'd be a fool to leave her. That's my two cents."

"I want to be with you, Elijah."

"Then why AREN'T you?" Elijah sat up suddenly and took a long pull of his beer. "YOU drove us here tonight, ass-hat," he snapped, pointing at Sean with his beer bottle. "So obviously you know where I live. If you wanted to be with me so badly, why didn't you just drive here and ASK to be with me?"

"When last I saw you, you didn't want any part of me!"

"No. Not true, Sean. When last you saw me I said you had to 'woo' me. I said you had to prove I could trust you. How does that translate into ignoring me from then until now? I didn't say: 'Don't ask me to be with you.'"

"You told me not to ask ANY questions."

"Then don't ask! TELL! Drive to my house and TELL me that you want to be with me! Did you do that?"

"No."

"No. You didn't. So kindly don't come here now singing your 'I love you and want to be with you' song."

"Elijah, it's not an easy thing to do."

"Stop right there. We've been having this conversation for TEN FUCKING YEARS!" Elijah stormed, each word a hammer blow. "Ten years, Sean! Actually more like eleven years now! No one ever suggested it would be 'easy' or that you take some fast and casual route out of your marriage, so spare me. But no matter HOW fucking hard it is you've had ELEVEN YEARS!"

Sean stared silently at his hands.

"If you haven't done it by now, Sean, you might want to consider whether or not you really want to do it at all. Maybe you should just go home to your family, live the life you've chosen, and forget about me."

"Don't say that."

"I AM saying it. And you had better be hearing it."

"Elijah, you promised me you wouldn't talk to me this way again."

"I don't want to hurt you, Sean. But you're starting to do that stupid dance again. Handing me that 'but I'm a good husband and father' dodge. _Elijah, it's not an easy thing to dooooooo_ ," he mimicked in a whiney voice. "We talked about this in Toronto, remember?"

Sean nodded.

"You don't get to be a good husband and father if you want a life with me. Sorry. You can't have both. Make up your mind. Don't say you want to be with me then imply with everything you say and do that it's not going to happen until you're 70 and walking with a cane because I'm not going to do it!"

His voice grew steadily louder and more irate, and his last six words were a half-shout that drove Sean back against the chair.

"OK," Sean said softly. "Jesus, Elijah, OK."

"I'm not playing this game anymore," Elijah said, more softly. Then he sighed and looked over at his friend. Sean had leaned forward in the chair and lowered his face into his hands. 

With a sigh Elijah got up and knelt before him. He pulled Sean's hands down then cradled his friend's face in his two palms and whispered: "Seanie, maybe it's time to say goodbye. Go home to them. Maybe you need to admit that _they_ are your life." He kissed Sean's lips tenderly then whispered again: "Let me go."

Sean stared into the cobalt-blue eyes feeling his own eyes slowly filling with searing tears. "No," he said, his voice thick and trembling. "No!"

Elijah sighed and released him. He sat back on his heels and shook his head. "I think you're just refusing to see what you really want, Sean."

"YOU are what I really want!" Sean declared, reaching forward to grasp Elijah's shoulders.

Elijah began to speak again, but Sean shook him gently. "No! Listen to me!"

Elijah shrugged and sighed. "OK. I'm listening."

"I get it," Sean told him, drawing him up closer. "I know. I can't be a good husband and father if I want a life with you. The two things are totally incompatible. I'm going to have to hurt them if I want to be with you. I'm going to have to be a..." he released Elijah and drew fake quotation marks in the air "... 'bad husband and father', at least for awhile."

He reached down and captured Elijah's hands in his. "But you're wrong to think that because it hasn't happened yet, it's not what I want. It IS what I want!" He shook his head, staring past their joined hands down to the floor. "I've just been so... scared."

"I know, Sean."

Sean looked up at him questioningly.

"Of course I know," Elijah said quietly. "Life with them represents family and protection and security and safety. It represents a role you've played to perfection for a very long time."

Sean gave him a small smile. 

"Life with me," Elijah continued, "represents the unknown. It represents chaos and change on an unimaginable scale, and these are things that you have feared your whole life."

Sean's eyes widened and tears slid down his face, but Elijah reached up and gently wiped them away. "You need to let me go, Seanie. For you. For them. For _me_."

Sean stared into his eyes for what seemed like forever. There was utter silence between them. Then slowly he drew in a deep, trembling breath. "Never," he told Elijah in a choked off whisper. "Fucking never, Elijah."

Elijah stared at him half in surprise, half in confusion.

"Not if we have to have ten thousand conversations like the one in Toronto," Sean told him, his voice breaking. "Not if we fight until we're both broken and bloody. Not - not if it breaks my back and heart."

Recognizing the words, a small smile crossed Elijah's lips.

"Not now, Elijah," Sean continued. "And not fucking ever. I will never let you go." He sat up straighter and lifted Elijah's hand to his lips. "I'm sorry about what that might put us through. Truly I am. I'm sorry about what it will put my family through. But I don't have a choice about it. I love you with my whole heart. And I will never willingly relinquish what that's given me. I simply can't, Elijah."

Elijah seemed to consider this for a moment. Then he shook his head and pulled his hands free from Sean's grip. "You may not have a choice. I won't go on the way it's been, Sean. I can't."

Sean nodded. "I understand. You won't have to. Just please, Elijah. Please give me a little more time."

Elijah began to speak but Sean quickly interrupted him, "I know. You've already waited too long. I know that. And I'm sorry. I promise you from my heart that I won't ask you to wait much longer. I swear it."

Elijah regarded him dubiously. "Sean, I've heard all this before."

"I know."

"I'm not going to promise you anything."

"OK. That's fair."

"You might come back and find out I don't want it anymore."

"I understand."

A quizzical look crossed Elijah's face. "What are you plotting?"

"Nothing!" Sean assured him. His hands slid up Elijah's arms and gripped his shoulders. "I'm not plotting a thing. At this point all I'm doing is hoping." He tried to draw Elijah toward him, but his friend resisted.

"No, Seanie," he murmured, pulling away slightly. "We're not gonna do that."

But Sean only tightened his grip. "I just want a kiss. I wasn't gonna jump you or anything."

"You should go home. It's late. I don't want her to worry."

Sean smiled gently. "And you wonder why I won't let you go?"

Elijah pointed at his watch. "Spare me the sappy bullshit, and just scram."

But once again Sean drew him gently forward. "One kiss?" he begged, his voice soft with appeal.

Elijah rolled his eyes in fake exasperation. "Oh for heaven's sake, fine." He reluctantly gave in to the steady pull of Sean's hands on his shoulders and yielded to his embrace. At once he felt Sean's lips press hungrily to his, kissing him with a fierce passion that took Elijah's breath and melted his body with waves of desire. 

Unable to stop, he lost himself in the familiar warmth of Sean's embrace. As if from a great distance, he heard Sean moan softly, heard his own breathing growing ragged as their kiss grew deeper… more intimate. Frantically, he tore his lips away and tried to pull free, but Sean's arms tightened, crushing Elijah's body against his, as he buried his face in Elijah's neck.

For a timeless moment they clung to each other as if they could never let go, then drawing on his last bit of strength, Elijah wrenched himself free. "Get the fuck outta here, Sean," he growled softly. "Go on. Get!"

Sean drew back slowly drawing a tremulous breath, then gradually stood, drawing Elijah up with him. "Can I call you tomorrow?" he whispered.

"Call anytime you like. I never said you couldn't call."

"Can I see you tomorrow? Even just for lunch? Or dinner?"

"Can't. I have stuff tomorrow. Though..." he paused, considering. "I could do breakfast if you're up for that."

A smile broke across Sean's face, and to Elijah it seemed like the sun breaking from behind grey clouds.

"Can I pick you up at nine?" Sean asked.

"Yes, you can."

"You seem to have repealed the law forbidding me to ask questions," Sean observed with a wink.

Elijah laughed. "Don't push your luck, dude."

Sean laughed too and touched his cheek. "I love you," he murmured. Then he turned to go. "See you in the morning."

Elijah shadowed his steps, shoving him gently toward the door. "Get!" he ordered again.

Sean turned, his hand on the knob. "Lij, are we - maybe - _better_?" he asked hesitantly.

Elijah seemed to consider this for a moment. "We've taken one baby step," he said finally. "But we're still a long way from home. And Sean?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember what you said about the suffering underneath the anger. Whatever you do... do as little harm as possible in the process, OK?"

Sean nodded then touched his fingers to his lips in salute and left.

Elijah leaned against the closed door, trembling. He listened as Sean's car started. He listened as it drove away. Then he sighed. He had no idea how to define what he was feeling at this moment. He knew that deep down he was just as afraid as Sean of the changes that would come if they began a life together. He knew it would alter every aspect of their lives.

He slowly climbed the stairs to his room. _I still don't trust him,_ he thought sadly. _I still think there's a good chance he'll bail on me just like he always has._ "

But Sean's kiss had been devastating. When he'd felt _those_ arms tighten around him, he had teetered on the brink of surrender, drawn irresistibly to the warmth and protection he always felt when Sean held him close. He wondered briefly if any embrace other than his could ever give him the same feeling of utter security. Then he sighed and began to undress.

"I wish I'd told him that I loved him too," he whispered regretfully. "Well... maybe tomorrow."


	3. Toronto - Elijah's Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part three of the 'Toronto' story. After their devastating conversation in Toronto, can their relationship ever be made whole again? Elijah has his doubts, but Sean is determined to prove he can be trusted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very blessed to have the most wonderful editor in the world as my beta. Cathy makes every story I write better, not just with her editing skills, but also with her love for the boys, her knowledge of who they are, and her deep understanding of their relationship. Also, all of the songs mentioned in this story came from Elijah's own playlists.

Elijah moved around the DJ station with a grace born of long practice. He eased smoothly from one record to another, loving the feel of the vinyl in his hands and enjoying the satisfying hiss and click as the needle settled firmly into the groove.

He looked out over the dance floor and smiled, moving his head in time with the music, his mind focused on nothing except his play-list, barely registering the people who bobbed and weaved in front of his station.

He ignored the several requests tossed up to him on folded bits of paper or shouted from the dance floor and switched the receiver to his iPhone. There was a song _he_ wanted to hear. It was a song called “Don't Say No” by a group called Can. Elijah had not only played it a lot lately but also had found himself humming the lyrics at odd moments throughout his day.

He didn't have to think about why. He knew why. 

_My wounds are the open kind---I bleed every day  
I pray for a change of mind...you could take me away  
Don't say no._

The party was being held on an open patio and for a moment Elijah gazed over the crowd to where twilight shadows deepened on the rolling San Gabriel Mountains lost in thought as he sang softly with the music. Then he shook himself and tried to refocus on selecting one of the various playlists he had stored on his device, but was jarred from his task when a familiar voice called to him:

"Oh, please, Mr. Woooood! I wanna hear "Shimmy Shimmy Ko-Ko-Bop".

Elijah looked up and laughed as Dom bounded up to the DJ station, clutching a fluorescent drink laden with fruit.

"Whasss up, dude?" Dom asked brightly.

"What're you doing here?" Elijah replied, grinning. "I didn't know you were invited!"

"I wasn't!" Dom told him, laughing. "I crashed the party. Well, not really crashed, more like _lied_. I told them YOU invited me!"

Elijah laughed again then indicated the drink in Dom's hand. "What the fuck is that? Looks like something Orlando would make."

Dom snorted a laugh. "Dunno. I grabbed it off a tray. Didn't bother asking for the recipe. You want me to get one for you?"

"Fuck off," Elijah muttered absently, consulting his iPhone. Then his head lifted. "Hey! Is Billy with you?"

Dom plopped onto a nearby stool. "He's in Scotland." 

Hearing something indefinable in his tone, Elijah shot him a glance beneath his lashes and caught Dom looking at him. "I'm FINE!" Dom said firmly. "Don't even start. I'm fine."

"Riiiight," Elijah murmured.

"Just forget it, Lij, OK?"

"Fine!" Elijah said with a shrug. "Sorry I mentioned it…er, HIM." 

Dom shot him an exasperated look. "I'd talk if I were you! You sure Sean isn't hiding behind one of those cactus plants over there?"

Elijah laughed. "No. Sean isn't hiding behind any cactus plants."

"Where is he?"

"You think _I_ know?" Elijah asked, touching the screen on his phone to start another set. "Why? You want him?"

"It's not me who wants Sean Astin," Dom grumbled, staring thoughtfully at his drink.

"Be that as it fucking may," Elijah snapped. "He's not here."

Dom nudged his arm. "Hey," he said low murmur. "Sorry, man."

Elijah shrugged and turned to face him. "I'm fine," he muttered, unconsciously echoing Dom's earlier statement.

"We are SUCH a pair of whiney-assed pussies!" Dom said sadly, shaking his head in disgust.

"All in a good cause, son," Elijah told him, throwing him a small smile.

"How are you two doing anyway?"

"Well," Elijah began with a shrug. "OK, I guess. We had our 'date'." Here he stopped and made quotation marks in the air. "And except for a couple rough moments, it went pretty well. Then we had breakfast a few days ago and that was actually quite nice."

"Any word on when he'll be moving out?"

"Dom, I'm not asking him to move out!" 

"C'mon, Lij," Dom drawled sarcastically. "The whole fucking world knows that's what you want him to do."

Elijah sent him a dagger glance, then seemed to shake off his irritation. "He keeps bringing me _flowers_!" he told Dom. "What's with _that_ ?"

"Flowers?"

"Yeah," Elijah told him. "He brought me a boutonniere when we had dinner, and laid some kind of pansy on my plate when we had breakfast. I expect him to show up any day now with a bouquet of red roses in one hand and a card that says 'Be Mine' in the other."

"I think it's sweet," Dom said firmly. "The guy loves you, Elijah. He's just trying to show it."

"I'm not complaining," Elijah protested, mildly. "I'm just saying..." He shook his head in bemused wonder. "He's really going all-out with this."

"Like I said..." Dom replied popping a bit of fruit into his mouth.

"He loves me."

"Exactly."

"You send Billy flowers?"

"No, but it's not a half bad idea."

"Seriously, man," Elijah said, laying his hand on Dom's arm, "I truly have not asked him to leave Chris. In fact I've told him he'd be crazy to leave her. I told him to go home to his family and forget about me–more than once."

To his surprise, Dom laughed heartily. "Which only served to toss an enormous fucking can of gasoline on what was _already_ a blazing inferno."

Elijah shot him a look.

"Well, surely you're aware of that."

"No, I am not!" Elijah fumed. "I said it and I meant it. And what's more, I think he knew I meant it."

"All the more reason that it would only serve to inflame him."

"Well, that wasn't my intention!"

"Fuck your intention!" Dom said, still laughing. " What's wrong with you, man?" He tossed a piece of pineapple at Elijah who quickly batted it away and glared.

"Lij, listen to me," Dom said, grabbing his arm. "I told you in Toronto. The guy's fucked up. He's been fucked up since he was seven years old! How could he _not_ be fucked up with that crazy bitch of a mother? He was her special project for years, and not in a good way."

"What's that got to do with me?"

"Everything, unfortunately."

"Dom..."

"Look, man. He loves you, of that much I'm certain. Loves you deeply–truly. But in ways your beloved Seanwise is still seven years old."

"And that means what exactly?"

"He's still working on his 'mommy' problem only he's using you and Chris to do it."

"I don't believe that," Elijah scoffed. "Chris is _nothing_ like Patty! Hell, PATTY isn't even like Patty anymore. She and Sean have a great relationship!"

"True, but irrelevant," Dom said smoothly.

"You're not making sense," Elijah told him, turning back to his iPhone to cue up a different playlist.

"I'm just saying that there's a lot going on behind those hazel eyes. He still wants to please 'mommy'. Or, failing that, his current mommy stand-in. It's the protection behavior he developed when he was seven and I think that programming is still very much in effect."

"So you're saying he _won't_ leave her," Elijah said slowly.

"Oh, I think he _wants_ to leave her. I think he's wanted to for years! But WILL he?" Dom shrugged and tossed down the last of his drink. "That's the question isn't it."

"Has nothing to do with me either way," Elijah said firmly.

Dom merely laughed.

"It doesn't!" Elijah insisted.

"Oh, please," Dom scoffed. "Are you seriously trying to tell me that him being madly, wildly, deathlessly in love with you has absolutely nothing to do with the struggle he's going through??"

Elijah merely scowled.

"You almost done here?" Dom asked.

"Nearly, yeah," Elijah replied. "Then I'm going to go home and relax with a movie or something." He turned to Dom. "Wanna come?"

"Well, yeah," Dom said, winking. "But not necessarily with YOU."

"Get real," Elijah growled. He threw on a headset and began fussing with the receiver settings.

After a moment Dom nudged his elbow and murmured in a low voice. "Ummm, Lij? You may have to reconsider that movie thing."

"Huh?" Elijah replied, not hearing him.

Dom nudged his arm again and pointed.

Elijah's eyes followed his gesture and saw Sean standing quietly at the far side of the room staring at them. "What the hell?" he sputtered, his hands frozen motionless on the levers.

"Want me to go see what's up?"

"Dammit!" Elijah spouted, removing the headset. "Why didn't he just walk over here?" He shook his head in frustration.

"I'll find out," Dom said, hopping off his stool.

Elijah turned from the receiver, finally satisfied with the sound and lifted his phone to key up another song. As he quickly considered various options, trying to hurry so he could be free to talk with his friends, he glimpsed Dom from the corner of his eye standing next to Sean. Their heads were close together and they seemed to be in deep conversation.

Once the music began Elijah looked again. Sean was shaking his head and trying to move away, but Dom had a hand on his arm and was tugging him toward the DJ station. For a moment it seemed as if Sean were trying to leave, so Elijah started to walk to them. But Dom quickly moved behind him and pushed firmly him toward the DJ station, obviously refusing to take 'no' for an answer.

"Jesus!" Elijah hissed under his breath. "Everything's a fucking drama."

When they reached him, he shot an irritated half-glance at Sean who had stopped at the very bottom of the steps. "What's up with you?" he asked sharply. "You have to be dragged over here to say 'hello'?"

"It's not that, Elijah," Sean protested. "I just—it just... ".

"It just WHAT?" Elijah demanded, wheeling to face him.

"Elijah..." Dom cautioned, in a low voice.

Hearing the warning tone in Dom's voice, Elijah lifted his eyes to Sean's face for the first time. His friend was deathly pale and stared back at Elijah through eyes that were red and dark-circled with exhaustion. 

Elijah glanced swiftly at Dom who shot him a dagger glance and reached to steady Sean, who appeared on the edge of collapse. "Fer fuck's sake, Lij, take it easy would you?"

Immediately regretting his tone, Elijah grabbed Sean by both arms and led him quickly to a stool. "Sit down," he murmured. "What's wrong, Sean?"

"I shouldn't have come here," Sean choked out, his voice thick with tears. "You're busy. Why did I come here? I was stupid. I'm always stupid!"

Elijah's hands moved to rest comfortingly on Sean's shoulders. "Stop that," he soothed. "You're not stupid. Tell me what's wrong?"

"Lij, maybe here isn't the best place for this," Dom suggested quietly. He tilted his head toward the nearby crowd who were starting to pay attention to the scene near the DJ station.

Elijah instantly agreed. "Dom, take him out to my car," he said decisively, fishing in his pocket for the keys. "It's parked out back. Go out that door over there, and it'll be right in front of you." He handed Dom the keys and pointed. "I'm gonna tell them I'm leaving, and I'll be right there."

Dom took the keys and nodded.

"Go with Dom, OK?" he said to Sean. "I'll be right behind you. We can't talk here." He shook Sean gently, looking into his eyes. "OK?"

Sean's hands reached out to clutch the front of Elijah's jacket. He seemed incapable of speech and merely nodded.

"C'mon, man," Dom urged, trying to tug Sean toward the exit. "C'mon. Let's go. He'll be along."

For another moment Sean gazed into Elijah's eyes, still clutching the front of his jacket.

"It's OK," Elijah whispered. "Go with Dom. I'll be there in second—I promise." Again, Sean nodded, then turned with Dom and stumbled toward the door.

Elijah bit his lip as he watched them. He'd seen Sean upset before... plenty of times. But never like this. Sean's upset moments were always accompanied by frenzied pacing and long, rambling half-incoherent speeches. The more upset he was, the more he babbled on and on about whatever was bothering him. Elijah had never seen him too distraught to speak, and he watched them leave with a growing sense of concern. 

He announced his departure to the party's hosts and bolted after his friends. At the car he found Sean sitting in the passenger seat while Dom stood next to the door. His eyes met Dom's as he approached and Dom shook his head briefly, brow furrowed in worry. More apprehensive than ever, Elijah slid into the driver's seat. "You coming along?" he asked Dom. "I'm headed to my house. Sean, buckle up."

Dom pulled the seatbelt out for Sean and shook his head. "No, not right now. I'll call you later though. I think it needs to be just the two of you for a while."

Elijah turned to Sean as Dom wandered away. "You OK?"

Sean nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry about the semi-meltdown."

"You wanna tell me what's wrong?"

"Can we get to your house first?"

Elijah shrugged and started the car. "Well, yeah. We can. But you need to know that my anxiety level is pretty high."

Surprisingly, Sean gave a short laugh. "OK. Here it is then. I'm no longer living at home. Well, I guess it's actually _not_ home anymore come to think of it. I'm staying at Mack's."

Elijah stared at Sean in stunned silence. He had suspected something like this, but actually hearing Sean spell it out shocked him into speechlessness.

"You're—you've—moved out?" he stammered finally.

"I have."

"No wonder you're upset."

"It's been a rough couple of days," Sean admitted with a sigh.

"Jesus," Elijah muttered. "Jesus, Sean!"

Sean indicated the steering wheel. "You want me to drive?" he asked, a wan smile touching his lips.

"No! No. Sorry. I'll drive," Elijah said. He moved his hands jerkily to the steering wheel then slowly maneuvering the car onto the road.

"Jesus, Sean!"

"You said that already."

"This isn't funny!" Elijah spouted, smoothly bypassing other traffic as he headed toward the freeway.

"Lij, can the rest of this maybe wait 'til we're at your house? Please?"

Elijah nodded. "Yeah. Sorry, Sean."

As he drove toward his Venice Beach home, Elijah glanced occasionally toward his passenger. Sean's eyes were closed, and he slumped against the door almost as if he were asleep. His hands were clasped together but trembled nervously, and Elijah's thoughts were drawn back to what Dom said earlier: _'... in ways your beloved Seanwise is still seven years old._ '

As if feeling his gaze, Sean's eyes opened.

"You OK?" Elijah asked him.

Sean sat up straighter. "Yeah." 

"When did you actually leave?"

"The same day we had breakfast," Sean told him.

"Fuck! That's days ago! Why didn't you call me?"

From the corner of his eye he saw Sean's face turn back to the window and for a long moment he was silent. When he finally spoke his voice was a hoarse whisper. "I was pretty fucked up. I didn't want you to see me that way."

They didn't speak again until they'd reached Elijah's house where Sean immediately collapsed onto the couch.

Elijah poured brandy for both of them then sat down beside Sean, offering him the snifter of dark liquid. "Here, this might help take the edge off."

Sean laughed as he received the brandy. "Well, I'm doubtful. It'll probably just put me to sleep."

"That's fine too," Elijah told him, touching his glass to Sean's in salute. "You look like you could use it." He hesitated for a moment, savoring the brandy, then asked softly: "What happened, Sean? Why did you leave? Did she throw you out?"

Sean shook his head. "It was pretty much a mutual decision. After you and I had breakfast I knew."

"Knew what?"

"Knew what I had to do. And it's funny, Lij. The minute I walked into the house I could see she knew it too." Sean's voice was soft, as if recalling a distant memory. "She looked at me for a long time while I just stood there, then she said: 'You're going aren't you.' And I just nodded and said 'yeah'. Weird way to end a twenty-year marriage isn't it?" After a moment he shook himself and looked into Elijah's eyes. "And then I went to call Mack."

"Sean, I am truly sorry," Elijah told him. "I never really thought this would happen..." he hesitated, then spoke again. "And I'm not convinced yet that you won't end up back with her. You need to give all of this some time."

Sean nodded in vague agreement, his body slumping wearily against the couch. Elijah quietly reached for Sean's brandy snifter, which was wobbling unsteadily in his fingers. He sat the glass on a nearby table and rose. "C'mon," he said softly, holding out his hand. "Come with me."

Sean hesitated, then placed his hand in Elijah's and allowed himself to be led up the stairs to Elijah's bedroom. 

Once there, Elijah helped him off with his jacket, than began to turn down the bed. "Get undressed," he said over his shoulder.

"Lij," Sean began. 

"Just get undressed," Elijah ordered with a small smile then turned and began to unbutton Sean's shirt. "Do I have to do it for you?" 

Sean grabbed his hand stopping it in mid-motion. For a long moment they stared into each other's eyes then Elijah spoke: "It's OK. We're just going to sleep, nothing more. You're exhausted. You need it. We can talk more tomorrow."

Sean nodded. He released Elijah's hand and stripped down to his boxers while Elijah did the same. Then, feeling suddenly awkward, he stood silently watching while Elijah crawled into bed.

"Sean, come on," Elijah urged, half-laughing. "You going to stand there all night?"

For a moment longer Sean hesitated, then swallowed hard and crawled into bed beside his friend. The sheets were cool and fragrant with the scent of Elijah's body, and as he felt him pulling a comforter over them, he bit his lip against a blinding rush of desire. Exhausted though he was, he yearned to draw Elijah into his arms and he clenched his hands into fists, forcing himself to hold back. 

Elijah saw him turn his face into the pillow and scooted his body closer. "Listen," he whispered, his fingers reaching to touch Sean's sandy hair. "I know how you're feeling right now. I feel the same."

"Do you?" Sean asked in a choked whisper. His gaze was dark with both desire and pain, and Elijah felt his heart melt. "C'mere," he whispered, drawing Sean's head to his shoulder.

"We can wait," Elijah murmured, his fingers carding soothingly through Sean's hair. "We can wait 'til you're more ready. 'Til we're more sure of how it's all going to turn out. We need to give all this some time to sink in."

Sean nodded and slowly relaxed, nestling against Elijah's shoulder. "I dunno. I guess," he murmured. "It's just that..."

"I know," Elijah interrupted. "But whatever might be starting between us here, I don't want it to start with you feeling wracked with guilt." He leaned back and forced Sean's eyes to meet his. "We did that already, and it didn't work out too well for either of us."

When Sean gave no response, Elijah silently drew his head back to his shoulder.

"Brat," Sean murmured finally, re-settling against Elijah's body.

"Just sleep."

"Halfway there already."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was still asleep when Elijah woke up the next morning, curled up on his side and snoring softly. Being careful not to jostle him, Elijah slipped quietly out of bed, grabbed his jeans, and tiptoed down the stairs.

He smiled to himself as he put on a pot of coffee. _I thought he'd be glued to me when I woke up,_ he thought, _just like he was when we went to sleep._ But sometime in the night they had both apparently moved to their own side of the bed.

He slid a CD into his audio system, careful to first turn off the upstairs speakers, then cut a grapefruit in half and began to expertly divide the sections. A breeze flowed into his kitchen carrying with it the scent of the sea and of the flowers that grew just under his window. 

He smiled contentedly as he prepared breakfast, nodding his head in time with the music, singing along happily.

 _I think I lost myself  
and I don't know where we are  
It's hard to take control  
when you know you've gone too far _  
\- “New Heat” - By: Stardeath & White Dwarfs -

"You the singing waiter?" a soft voice spoke from behind him.

He whirled to see Sean standing in the doorway. His hair was gently tousled. He was dressed in slacks and a T-shirt, and his feet were bare. To Elijah, he had never looked more adorable, and he drew in a deep breath, trying to rein in his feelings. _Whoa!_ he thought quickly. _Don't go overboard. He could be back with Chris by this time tomorrow, and you'd be alone and heartbroken AGAIN._

"How you feeling?" he asked mildly.

"Oh..." Sean drawled, pulling out a kitchen chair and sitting down. "OK, I guess."

Elijah lifted a filled mug. "Coffee?"

"Yeah… that'd be great."

Elijah served the coffee and was turning back to the counter when Sean suddenly took his hand.

"Lij, I want you to know how grateful I am. I know I shouldn't have come where you were working, but I just felt so lost." He slowly raised Elijah's hand to his lips. "Thank you for not being angry with me."

Elijah's eyes stung with sudden tears. He tried to pull away, but Sean held on tightly. "Sean, it's OK," he said finally. "You thanked me last night. I was glad to help." He tugged on his hand, but Sean wouldn't let go.

"Wanted to kiss you last night," he said softly. "But I was scared."

Elijah shrugged. "We've got lots of time for kissing. Lots of time for everything. There's no point to rushing this, especially when we have no idea what's actually going to happen."

"But I DO know what's actually going to happen," Sean told him, releasing his hand.

"What?"

"I'm going to get a divorce," he said grimly, then sipped his coffee. "Thanks. This is good."

"Sean, are you sure about all this? I doubt she's really done. She's probably just giving you a vacation of some kind. She'll come around wanting you back soon enough. Grapefruit?" He put the two grapefruit halves on the table then sat down next to Sean.

 

"Vacation?" Sean said in a shocked tone of voice. " _Vacation_?" He shook his head then leaned toward Elijah and stared straight into his eyes. "Listen. I've just been through the worst few days of my life. I've cried until I can't cry anymore. I've yelled. I've screamed. I've raved. I feel like I've been through an emotional meat grinder. This is _not_ a vacation!" His hand clenched into a fist. "It's NOT, Elijah."

"Sean, I'm sorry. I just..."

"I know. You don't trust me. That's fine. I get it. I've gotten it ever since Toronto. You don't have to trust me. I'm not sure how much I even care anymore." His voice wavered, and his eyes were bright with tears. "I do much better when I'm not involved with other living things anyway."

"Seanie," Elijah drawled softly. "C'mon, man. Lighten up. I like having you around." He reached across the table and touched Sean's hand. "I've been hard on you, and I'm sorry. Truth to tell, my main emotion when I think of all this is fear. I just don't want to have that horrid feeling again... you know, that feeling of being abandoned. I'm scared of going through that again, Sean."

"I'm so sorry, Elijah."

"Don't," Elijah told him, shaking his head. "Part of the fear isn't even from you. It's from…" he hesitated, then spoke quickly. "It's from my dad." He glanced up at Sean almost sheepishly. "You know."

Sean nodded. "I _do_ know. I know how badly his abandonment hurt you. I'm a dick for treating you that same way."

Elijah giggled. "You're not a dick, though I have to confess that hearing you say that makes me pretty fucking happy."

Sean's eyes widened in surprise. "Yeah?"

"Well, yeah. It's just good to know you recognize what's been going on inside me. Now, how 'bout eating that grapefruit that I slaved over all fucking morning, hmm?" He gestured toward the grapefruit. "No grapefruit abandonment allowed here, dude."

Sean grinned at him and began to eat. It was the first time Elijah had seen him really smile in weeks, and the sight of it warmed his heart. It was hard to keep reining in his feelings. He longed to surrender; he longed to welcome Sean back into his life and heart just as he had so often in the past. But a still, small voice within him warned against it. The voice of that heartbroken child abandoned by his father.

He would never forget the terrible pain he felt when Warren turned his back on their family. Distraught and unable to cope, Elijah had been convinced that he was the cause of his father's betrayal, and no amount of reassurance from his mother would dissuade him. Sean's guilt over their affair brought some of those same feelings to the surface, and when Sean reluctantly returned to his family, Elijah's feeling were deeply mixed. He was heartbroken over their separation to be sure. But mingled with his heartbreak was a vague feeling of relief. Sean's children were dear to him, and he couldn't help but feel glad that he had not been party to a state of affairs that inflicted the same pain on them that he had once felt himself. 

And as much as he loved Sean and believed in Sean's love for him, this same destructive pattern in their relationship had been repeated way too often. The mixed messages. The tearful, passionate reunions followed eventually by guilt and yet another separation. For Elijah, each parting from Sean was a vivid reminder of his father's rejection. Again and again he was forced to relive the most painful experience of his life until eventually he simply couldn't take any more.

The last time Sean left him to return to his family Elijah vowed it would never happen again. He hardened his heart and refused to even consider any further contact with Sean, especially contact which might suggest a renewal of their romance. He was done. His heart had been broken once too often. He needed time to heal. Time away from Sean and from the reminder of how much their love had meant to him.

From that time forward he refused any invitation that meant he might see his former lover. He ignored Sean's phone calls and never called himself. He deleted Sean's emails unread and refused to listen to his frantic voice mail messages. Far from being indifferent, he was simply afraid that the sound of Sean's voice or his impassioned pleas would be too great a lure to his heart. 

It never got easy, but it became bearable. He forced himself into uncharacteristic anger in order to bolster his fragile emotional defenses. And when the Toronto trip loomed before him, and he knew he'd have to be in Sean's company, he was determined to hold his ground and not surrender to love... to longing.

It had been terribly difficult. Sean came to Toronto alone and Elijah, immediately and correctly, interpreted this as a sure sign that Sean wanted time alone with him. Being with Dom and Billy made it somewhat easier, but a blind man could see the yearning in Sean's eyes, and Elijah knew without a doubt that he was only waiting until the other actors were absent before he begged Elijah to take him back again as he had so many times in the past. 

It was the greatest effort of Elijah's life to harden his heart and reject Sean's advances. He had forced himself to be hard on Sean and he knew his coldness had hurt Sean terribly. But he saw no other way to resolve their situation once and for all. He had no wish to hurt Chris and the girls. He would never ask Sean to leave them. But he had come to a place in his life where his own happiness and well-being simply _had_ to matter, too. He would not accept half measures from Sean any longer. Either he made a full commitment to their relationship, or it had to end for good. And as much as Elijah wanted their relationship to endure, he was fully prepared to accept either solution.

And now as he stared across the table at this man whom he had loved for so long and whom he continued to love, he felt his eyes burn with sudden tears. Tears of sadness for what Sean was going through. Tears of sadness for what he knew lay ahead for both of them.

"Seanie," he whispered softly.

Sean raised his head and seeing the tears in Elijah's eyes, quickly stood and moved to his side. "What's wrong?" he asked, kneeling beside Elijah's chair, gently touching his arm. "Lij, what's the matter? Did I do something wrong?"

Elijah shook his head. "I just feel so bad for what you're going through."

"Because you still like me a little maybe?" Sean asked with a small smile. "Knowing that would sure make things a lot easier."

"Seanie," Elijah began....

"I know, I know," Sean interrupted. "I understand. I left because it's what I wanted to do, Elijah, not to get you back. And it IS what I want to do. What I've wanted to do for years... ever since I met you really. But facing such an enormous change scared me." He gave Elijah a small smile. "Still does."

"But you're here," Elijah said softly.

"Yes," Sean replied, his voice suddenly firm. "I'm here, Elijah. And you know _why_ I'm here?"

Elijah laughed. "I assume you're going to tell me, since you asked with such an inordinate amount of smugness."

"Sorry."

"No, no. DO go on," Elijah said, grinning. "You're here because..."

Sean stood, and reached to take Elijah's hand. "I'm here because here is where I want to be."

He lifted Elijah's hand to his lips, then released it and returned to his chair. For a moment he stared silently across the table at his friend. "Now I guess I need to know what _you_ want."

Elijah nodded. "Fair enough." He drew in a deep breath and glanced around him. He loved his kitchen. It was a pleasant, peaceful room, made all the more pleasant at the moment by the sight of Sean sitting across from him. _He looks good here,_ he thought happily, then sighed as the very thought sent ice water cascading through his veins. "What I want," he said quietly, “is to take pleasure in your presence without immediately feeling a corresponding jolt of fear because I'm convinced it isn't going to last."

Sean shrugged casually. "You want me to move in _today_? Because I'd be happy to do so."

Elijah laughed. "Thanks, but I'm not sure that would do it. Where you live isn't the problem, Sean. You could just as easily leave me from here as from somewhere else. Proximity isn't our issue." 

Sean stared at him for a moment, then spoke: "Elijah, that's always going to be true. It'll be true in any relationship you ever have, romantic or otherwise. There's always going to be the possibility of betrayal. That's the unavoidable byproduct of giving your heart. The unavoidable by-product of feeling love for another human being. What do you want me to say? My intention is not to betray you. My intention is to build a life with you. But I can't _make_ you believe me."

Elijah nodded in agreement. "I know. And," he hesitated, then spoke quickly, "I'm not sure we'll ever be able to actually live together. Not for a long time anyway. This town is way too homophobic for that in _spite_ of what they want to claim. Our careers would be over."

"I suppose we _might_ be a bit radioactive," Sean remarked sadly.

"A _bit_?" Elijah asked with a grin. "We'd glow in the fucking dark!"

Sean made no response, just looked at him unhappily.

"But that doesn't mean we can't BE together," Elijah said. "We can. Doesn't mean we can't STAY together. Just means we can't have a home together right now. And while I agree that it's sad, still... it could be worse."

Sean nodded, then looked at him quizzically and smiled a slow smile. "What's this? You saying you really _are_ willing to give us another chance? It's been months since Toronto. Are you actually beginning to trust me a little?"

Elijah shrugged. "Maybe. A little, I guess." He sighed sadly. "Sean, do you know how painful it is to WANT to trust someone? Especially someone you love? I've never stopped wanting to trust you. And I've never stopped being afraid to. I still think Chris will tug your chain, and you'll go running back. I'd love to feel all the confidence in the world in our relationship, and I'm sorry if you feel hurt because I don't feel it yet. I just _can't_!"

Sean appeared to ponder this for a moment, then sighed. "You've lost faith in me," he said softly. "I know how that feels, Elijah. I do. I remember being a little kid and having my mom's illness erode _my_ faith in the safety and protection that a kid's parents usually provide. And," he hesitated for a moment as if struggling with his feelings. "... it often seemed to me that she'd purposefully look for anything I DID have faith in and do her best to try to destroy it."

"Sean," Elijah whispered, reaching to touch his hand. "I'm so sorry."

"No. No, it's a good thing to remember. It's not that way now. And I understand it. It was her disease, not her. But I know the feeling, and it's a terrible one." He looked at Elijah, his eyes bright with tears. "I'm the one who's sorry," he whispered. "I wonder if you'll ever be able to forgive me."

"We can't solve everything in a day, Sean. It's going to take time."

"My mother and your dad," Sean said sadly. "My god, they sure managed to fuck us up. I just hope I'm not doing the same thing to my kids."

"Stop it! You're a wonderful father! And you can STILL be a wonderful father even if you're not living in the same house with them!" He looked hard at his friend. "Rather than worrying about _my_ forgiveness, maybe you need to start with forgiving yourself."

Sean shook his head and spoke slowly: "Maybe. I've just never been good at that kind of... forgiveness."

"Well, now would be a good time to start," Elijah said. He was silent for a moment, then spoke again. "You're right about one thing though."

Sean gave a short laugh. "ME? Right about something? Well, that's pretty amazing. And just what am I right about?"

"You're right that love requires a leap of faith."

Again, Sean gave no response. 

"What do you want, Sean? What do you want from me? From US?"

Sean drew in a long breath, staring over Elijah's head as if thinking. "Well," he said at last. "I think right now I'd be happy just to know that you were willing to even TRY to make that leap."

Elijah nodded. "You wouldn't be here now if I wasn't willing to try, Seanie."

Sean laughed suddenly. "Chris is absolutely convinced that I was headed straight here to move in with you."

Elijah frowned and shook his head. "She's always going to hate me... and so will the girls. God, Sean, that breaks my heart."

"No. She won't always hate you, and the girls definitely don't hate you. I told Chris again and again that our problems weren't because of you, and they weren't. They were because of ME."

Elijah laughed. "And I'm sure she'll believe that."

"Maybe not at first. But eventually."

"So what's our next step?"

"Elijah, that's pretty much up to you. As far as I'm concerned everything's on the table," he hesitated, then grinned. "Including marriage."

"Oh my fucking god!" Elijah exclaimed in astonishment. "Tell me you're kidding!"

"Want me to get on one knee?" Sean asked with a wink.

"Knock it off!"

"Think I'd make a bad husband?"

"I think you're ALREADY someone's husband! Let's take one step at a time." 

Sean giggled. 

"Marriage!" Elijah scoffed laughingly. "What's next? Adopt six kids?"

Sean shrugged, still smiling happily. "Comes to that, I'd rather have you artificially inseminate someone. Then we might get a kid with your blue eyes."

"I don't think I can artificially inseminate someone," Elijah told him, half laughing. "I think I'd just have to fuck them."

Sean's mischievous grin widened. "Deal's off."

Elijah laughed, feeling a warm glow of happiness filling his chest. It had been a long time since they had engaged in the familiar, teasing banter that had always been at the core of their friendship, and it felt good.

Sean stood and walked to his chair. "It's up to you. You're the music man now, Elijah," Sean told him in a soft voice. "Our relationship right now is your song to sing." He lifted Elijah to his feet and drew him into his arms. "I love you," he murmured against Elijah's cheek. "All I want is the chance to make you happy."

For the first time in years Elijah gave himself to Sean's embrace. His awareness seemed to expand as his arms wound around Sean's neck. He felt every inch of his lover's body as it pressed against his own; he felt the strength of his arms as they tightened around him to draw him close, and even felt the scrape of Sean's beard and the softness of his lips as they brushed against Elijah's cheek. And each of these simple sensations, so familiar and yet so new, touched his heart with fresh hope and with the same feelings of profound love and belonging that had been theirs since they first fell in love under the wild New Zealand skies.

 _I won't deny it this time_ , he thought, drawing Sean even closer. _I won't push it away because I'm afraid it won't last._ He surrendered himself to the love and longing that swept through him opening his heart to the loving hand of healing. "I love you too," he whispered. And when Sean kissed him with a deep and passionate hunger, he returned the kiss with all his heart. 

When they looked once again into each other's eyes, Elijah saw the tears that had fallen onto Sean's cheeks and his fingers reached to brush them away. "If it _were_ my song," he whispered in a trembling voice, "I'd try to make it a good one. But it's not, Seanie. Our song can't be sung by one person alone. There has to be harmony. Both our voices have to blend if it's going to work at all."

Sean nodded, smiling through his tears. "OK, baby. Have it your way. My harmony is always a bit off-key, as you know. But I'll do my very best for you."

Elijah smiled. He had no idea what would come next in their relationship. They were a long way from being fully healed, and Elijah was determined to move slowly. They faced some troubling times, of that he was sure. But as Sean's lips claimed his once again, he heard in his heart the song that he hoped would be theirs from this moment on. 

_Let me be your everlasting light  
Your sun when there is none  
I'm a shepherd for you  
And I'll guide you through  
Let me be your everlasting light_  
\- “Everlasting Light” - By: The Black Keys -


	4. Toronto - Sean's Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part four and the last chapter of the 'Toronto' story. After their devastating conversation in Toronto, can their relationship ever be made whole again? Elijah has his doubts, but Sean is determined to prove he can be trusted. In this final chapter they're joined by Dom and Billy just as they were in the beginning. Together the four of them engage in a raucous discussion about love, intimate relationships, and goat's milk. Will Sean finally have the happy ending he desires?? 
> 
> As always, thanks and blessings to my beloved Cathy the best beta and editor anyone could ever wish for. Her love for and understanding of the boys and their relationship makes my stories better every time. I'm so lucky to have her.

Disclaimer:This story is a work of satirical fantasy about public figures.It is completely fictional. I make no assertions about the actual private life or the sexual orientation of any person mentioned in this work."

 

"Elijah!" Sean called. He was just inside the open door fiddling with his key. "Damn thing always sticks!" he muttered, then wrenched it from the lock. "Lij!" he called again, then closed the door behind him and flipped the deadbolt. "You here?"

"Upstairs!"

Sean grinned and looked up as Elijah's voice drifted down from the house's upper stories. "Well get up! I brought goodies!"

"I AM up!" Elijah said with a grin as he leaned over the railing from the second floor. "And the bigger issue is... WHAT goodies?" He began to walk down the stairs. "You know I don't like lox."

"I DO know," Sean laughed, waiting at the bottom of the stairs. "And may I say that you are a very silly boy." Elijah huffed as he approached and threw a fake punch at Sean's arm which drew another laugh as he ducked away. "Aaaaand being fully aware that you ARE a very silly boy, I got you cream cheese. Sweet, sickening, sticky, disgusting strawberry cream cheese at that!"

"You are awesome!" Elijah exclaimed as they headed toward the kitchen. "Lemme see!" he implored, trying to peer into the bag in Sean's arms. "I bet you got lox for YOURSELF, didn't you!"

"I certainly did," Sean told him, slapping at his hands. "Get out! You can see once I get it ready to serve!"

"Oh, fine!" Elijah conceded with a grin. He pulled out a chair and flopped into it as Sean began to empty the bag's contents onto the counter.

"Let's see," he muttered. "Multiseed bagels, lox for ME, strawberry cream cheese for that silly boy over THERE," he pointed back at Elijah without turning to look at him. "Aaaaaand," he drawled dramatically, pulling something else out of the bag but hiding it with his body. 

"And what??" Elijah said laughing and trying to see around Sean to the item in his hands. "Everything's such a production with you!"

"Well, I AM a producer, after all," Sean told him, turning quickly to face him. "And, THIS!" He held out a can.

"Goat's milk!" Elijah exclaimed. "Oh my god, Sean! Thank you!"

Sean had recently introduced Elijah to goat milk as a coffee creamer, and after an initial reaction which was less than welcoming—mostly because of the name—Elijah had reluctantly agreed to sample Sean's coffee with the goat milk addition. He had immediately been swept off his feet. 

"The perfect coffee and bagel breakfast on a Sunday morning," Sean bowed. "Courtesy of S. Gamgee."

"Gimme!" Elijah said, reaching for the can.

"Well, let me open it first. Where's the can opener?"

"Same place it was the last time you asked, dooffus. And you are NOT S. Gamgee. You're S. Astin."

Sean retrieved the can opener then popped a halved bagel into the toaster. " I am A.K.A. S. Gamgee," he muttered.

"Are not," Elijah disputed casually. "You are not 'also known as' S. Gamgee. WHO, may I ask, knows you as S. Gamgee?"

"YOU do!" Sean said turning his way and pointing accusingly. "And about a ba-zillion people who saw the Lord of the Rings movies do! So there!"

"You made that number up," Elijah teased dryly. "And, there's a difference between being known FOR a role you played and being known AS another person entirely.” 

Sean shrugged dismissively. "Tomatoes, tomahtoes." He spread cream cheese on a lightly browned bagel then popped another into the toaster. "Coffee done? Ah! Good! Glad to see you did SOMETHING this morning!" He poured two mugs of coffee then added milk from the now-opened can.

Sean loved fixing their Sunday morning breakfast. Even when he didn't spend Saturday night with Elijah he would still be at his house by 10:00 a.m. Sunday morning, bagels and lox in hand.

Elijah enjoyed it, too. Sean always managed to come up with an appealing treat that made the breakfast special. He enjoyed surprising Elijah with delectable tidbits that made his eyes roll with delight, and they both agreed it was a great way to kick off a leisurely Sunday together.

Elijah watched him now and smiled as Sean cut up fruit for their breakfast and chattered away about the events of the week. On the surface of things the closeness they had once known seemed to be renewing itself, and as good as that felt, Elijah still couldn't bring himself to believe in those feelings and trust them unreservedly. 

It had been three weeks since Sean had moved out of the home he once shared with his family. In that time, they had been together every day and spent almost every night wrapped in each other's arms. And when Elijah had handed him a small gift-wrapped box containing his very own key to Elijah's Venice Beach home, Sean had wept tears of joy. 

But even as he rejoiced at the closeness growing between them, Sean had not neglected his daughters. He visited them several times a week and took them on outings anytime their schoolwork permitted. Elijah knew he missed being with his children full-time and, truthfully, felt more than a little guilty about the entire affair, so he encouraged Sean to visit any time he could. But last week things had taken an unexpected turn.

During one of Sean's visits, Christine had suggested that she'd be willing to take him back. Sean had responded with shocked silence, then unsure of what to do, he mumbled an apologetic good-bye and fled. He had assumed she was as resigned to their separation and ultimate divorce as he was and was shocked to discover he was wrong. Confused and upset, he had immediately told Elijah about the conversation: "I have no idea how to handle this, Lij, and I feel horribly guilty about how I left it. I just RAN." He shook his head in self-disgust.

Elijah had been supportive, but inside he too was dealing with a bit of confusion. He would have expected Sean to turn her down flat, and though he kept his feelings to himself, he found Sean's bewilderment and guilt about the situation rather upsetting.

Sean had expressed no interest whatsoever in returning to his marriage. He was utterly devoted to Elijah and endearingly responsive to his every wish. But Chris's obvious interest and the fact that Sean had not outright refused her proposal was enough to create nagging doubts in his mind about the level of Sean's commitment to their relationship. He tried to push such thoughts aside and focus instead on Sean's obvious devotion to him, but the notion still rankled.

He knew he should discuss his doubts with Sean, but a somewhat stubborn pride kept him silent. He didn't want to influence Sean's decision. He wanted Sean to stay with him because he chose to, not because he was pressured into doing so, and his misgivings often adversely affected their life together. 

Sean arranged the lox on a plate then began to toast another bagel. "Where the fuck is Dom?" he asked irritably. "He was supposed to be here a half-hour ago!"

Elijah shrugged casually. "Is Billy in town?"

"No. Billy is still in Scotland torturing himself over whether or not to leave Ali and move to LA permanently."

"And you know this because..." Elijah left the sentence unfinished.

"I talked to him a few days ago," Sean said with a sigh. "It was NOT a pleasant conversation."

"I hate hearing that."

Sean shrugged, his back still turned to Elijah as he prepared breakfast. "Baby, I do too, but I also know this...." he turned and looked Elijah dead in the eye. "Right now, I have all I can do to keep my own life together. To keep my own sanity. I can't take on Dom and Billy too. I just can't." He sighed again and turned back to his plates.

"I don't like saying that," Sean mumbled after a moment. "Sorry."

"No, Sean, you're right," Elijah told him. "Our own relationship has to be the top priority right now. It was in second place for way too long." 

Sean picked up two plates and carried them to the table. One held the toasted bagels, one smeared with strawberry cream cheese. The other held lox and assorted fruits. "I already desecrated your lovely bagel with that disgusting substance," he teased, sitting down opposite Elijah. "There's more on the counter if you want it."

Elijah opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by a buzzing noise. "Back gate," he said, rising. 

Sean quickly grabbed his sleeve, stopping him. "Elijah? It was never in second place in my heart."

Elijah looked down at him for a moment, but made no reply. He walked slowly to the wall panel and pressed a button. "Hello?"

"Let me in!" Dom's voice demanded. "I'm starved!"

Elijah smiled and pressed another button. "Fine! It's unlocked. Get in here. But be sure you re-lock the gate once you're in." He turned to Sean. "THERE'S Dom! Happy now?"

Sean shrugged, chewing on his bagel. "I was happy before."

Elijah opened the door leading to his backyard. "I'll just leave it open for him."

He had barely re-seated himself before Dom burst into the kitchen with Billy in tow. "Look who I've got!" he crowed happily.

"Thought you were in Scotland!" Elijah exclaimed.

"Who told you that?" Dom asked, embracing Billy from behind. 

Elijah pointed at Sean. "HE did, misinformed soul that he is."

Sean shrugged and pointed to the cupboard. "Bagels in the bag there. Toast them up. I've got lox here and some disgusting strawberry substance is on the counter."

"No haggis?" Billy asked with a quick grin.

"HA!" Sean snorted. "I can't even get him to try lox. Good luck with the haggis. And so far as being misinformed goes, Mister Strawberry Breath, it was this guy here," he indicated Billy, "who misinformed me!" 

Elijah merely shrugged. "There's other cream cheese in the fridge," he told Dom.

Dom nodded, moving to the counter. "I'll take care of our bagels, Billy, me lad."

"He thinks I'm helpless," Billy complained with a grin. "It's downright discouraging!"

"Maybe he's right," Sean teased.

Billy snorted and sat down between Sean and Elijah while Dom busied himself with the bagels. "And how are the two of you doing these days?"

Sean and Elijah looked at each other but neither spoke.

"Oh it's like that is it." Billy said with a soft smile.

"We're fine," Elijah said firmly. "You know Sean's living at Mack's now, right?"

"Aye, Dommie told me." He turned to Sean. "And are you happy with that arrangement?"

Sean shrugged, chewing thoughtfully on his bagel. "Yeah. I'm happy enough with it..." he hesitated. "For now." 

Elijah quickly turned to Dom. "Toss another bagel in the toaster for me, would you, mate?"

"Sure!" Dom said with a smirk. "As soon as I get OURS done."

"Whatever," Elijah replied.

"Do you talk to Chris much?" Billy asked Sean in an undertone.

"Occasionally. You know. When I pick the kids up and such."

"Is she handling things OK?"

"Well," Sean began slowly. Then he hesitated and shot a quick look at Elijah who suddenly stood and walked to the counter where Dom was preparing bagels. "Gimme that!" he snapped and took the knife from Dom's hand. "Go sit down. It's my kitchen. I'll make them."

"OK, OK," Dom replied, backing away. "Have it your way. I didn't know making bagels was a thing with you." He sat down beside Billy and turned to Sean. "What's up with Elwood?" he asked softly. "He seems a bit jumpy."

Sean sighed but said nothing.

"I think I asked a bad question," Billy murmured. "Sorry, Seanie."

"No, no," Sean assured him. "It's not that. It's just that..." Again he hesitated, then spoke quietly "It's just that Chris is making noises about wanting me to move back in with her." He sighed and frowned, his eyes shooting to Elijah.

"I saw that!" Elijah snapped. "Just say it, Sean, for fuck's sake! It's not like I don't know what's going on!"

"Are you considering it?" Dom asked Sean in obvious surprise.

"NO!" Sean said decisively. "I have NO intention of moving back!" He turned to Elijah. "Did you hear that part, Elwood??"

Elijah sat a plate of toasted bagels on the table along with several types of cream cheese. "Help yourself," he told them, reseating himself next to Sean. "Sean's dead fish are there too if you want them."

"Lox, Elijah. Lox." Sean muttered under his breath.

"They're still dead fish," Elijah replied, not looking at him. "I don't care if you call them chocolate cake!"

"You upset because Chris wants him back?" Dom asked bluntly.

"Dom..." Sean said softly. "That's really an unfair question!"

Dom merely shrugged, munching on his bagel. "Fuck it!" he said finally. "If he's upset about it why not say so and be done with it?"

"I'm not upset," Elijah said coldly. He turned away from Dom but refused to meet Sean's eyes. 

"Oh, of course you're not," Dom droned sarcastically. "We can TELL how unaffected you are."

"Dom, knock it off!" Sean insisted. "Leave him alone."

"Hey!" Dom said, tossing his bagel down and leaning toward Sean. "HE'S the one who ordered you to just 'say it' wasn't he? Was pretty snarky about it too as I recall! So let him take a bit of his own advice."

He turned to Elijah. "If you've got a burr up your ass, Elwood, just say it for fuck's sake!" 

Elijah said nothing. He merely shrugged and turned toward Billy with a smile. "So, how long you gonna be here?"

Sean gazed at Elijah as he talked with Billy, a worried frown on his face. Elijah was turning into a 'watcher'. He seemed to hang back now much more so than he ever did in what Sean thought of as 'the good old days'. Back then he spoke his mind with complete honesty. Now he seemed not to trust himself. Or maybe it's that he doesn't trust US, Sean thought sadly. How much of this is my fault? He tentatively touched Elijah's shoulder. "You mad at me?"

"Of course not!" Elijah replied somewhat irritably. "Why are you asking me that? I'm a bit annoyed with big mouth over there," he said, indicating Dom, "but you haven't done anything wrong."

"Dom does tend to drag things out into the open," Billy admitted with an affectionate chuckle. "But..." and he looked closely at Elijah, "sometimes that's not a bad thing, Elijah. Sometimes keeping things inside you only makes things worse, you know?" He touched Elijah's arm as he spoke. "He didn't mean to annoy you, Lij. Honest."

"I know," Elijah said, just as warmly. "You know me. I don't get mad. Especially with you guys." He rose and went to the counter and began fussing with the bagels.

Billy looked at Sean sadly. "Sorry," he mouthed silently.

Sean shook his head. "It's me," he whispered to Billy. "It's me he's annoyed with."

"Why?" Dom asked, leaning in to listen.

Sean shook his head, and with a hand gesture indicated that he didn't want to say any more in front of Elijah. "It'll just make him madder," he murmured.

"Lij," Dom said, turning toward the counter. "You don't mind if Sean tells us why he thinks you're mad at him do you?"

"DOM!" Sean snapped.

Billy shook his head in dismay. "Dommie..." he said mournfully. "Please stop this."

"No!" Dom replied angrily. "Since when do we have to tiptoe around each other? We've never been like that! Never!"

Elijah stood silently with his back to his friends, both hands pressed to the counter as if leaning on it. Then suddenly he turned. "Tell them, Sean," he said mildly. "If you think you know why I'm mad at you... tell them. And," he added quickly, "I'm not even saying that I am mad at you. Just that I'd like to hear what you THINK I'm mad about."

"Silliest fucking thing I've ever heard of," Dom muttered in disgust. "He's not mad at Sean but he wants to hear why Sean THINKS he's mad!" He turned to Sean. "Forgive me, but do you two EVER talk to each other? Maybe AFTER sex?"

"Dom, that's enough!" Billy said tartly. "I mean it. Stop stirring the pot and just shut the fuck UP!"

They turned as one to stare at Billy. It was rare for him to snap at anyone, and hearing this unexpected outburst delivered in Billy's usually-charming Scottish brogue brought a quick grin to all their faces.

"OK!" Sean said loudly enough to get their attention. "OK. That's enough. Last thing I need is you two mad at each other." He looked up at Elijah who still stood by the counter, arms folded in front of him.

"First off," Sean said with a small smile, "could I get you to uncross your arms? Your body language there is scaring the piss outta me."

Elijah chuckled softly and unfolded his arms. "There. How's that?"

"Better!" Sean told him. "Now. I think you're mad at me because I haven't refused Chris's suggestion that I move back in with them."

Elijah shrugged. "I think you're confusing anxiety with anger."

"Now THIS is more like it!" Dom said, chewing lazily on his bagel.

Sean shot him a dagger glance, and Dom threw up both hands in surrender. "OK. OK. I won't say a word."

"Good!" Elijah, Sean, and Billy exclaimed at once.

"And not a moment too soon!" Billy added pertly, grinning at Dom.

"Elijah, you have nothing to feel anxious about," Sean insisted. " Nothing!" 

"Well if that's so, Seanie, why haven't you, umm, declined her kind offer?" Billy asked.

Sean laughed and patted his hand. "Diplomatic as always, my friend." Then he turned to Elijah. "I'm just trying not to hurt her any more than I have to," he explained, his voice low. "I figured if I just didn't mention it that eventually she'd stop asking. You know?"

Dom cackled madly. "Are you fucking insane, Astin?"

"I thought you weren't going to say another WORD!" Elijah snapped.

"I can't help it," Dom replied, still laughing. "Blame your boyfriend here."

"Why is it insane?" Sean asked, obviously bewildered. "She's bound to take the hint eventually."

"How long were you married to this woman?" Dom asked him, grinning broadly. "Sean, every single person on the shoot in New Zealand was fully aware that you two were lovers and more than that, that you were completely in LOVE. Do you honestly think Chris didn't know??"

Sean merely stared at him.

"If dealing with THAT situation for ten fucking years didn't discourage her enough for her to dump your sorry ass, I doubt she'll be put off because you don't respond to her suggestion."

"He does have a point," Billy chirped.

"Well, you don't have to be so damned happy about it!" Sean mumbled miserably.

"You're playing the ostrich game, Astin, and not all that well either."

"Dom..." Sean began.

"You're sticking your head in the sand," Dom said, ignoring him. "You're pulling the blanket over your head and repeating 'if I don't look it'll go away', 'if I don't look it'll go away'." Dom chuckled and shook his head. "Man, you are so fucked up!"

"That's enough!" Elijah said angrily. "Leave him alone!"

Dom merely shrugged.

"It's one thing to be open and honest, Dom. It's quite another to be nagging at him... telling him he's fucked up! Who the hell are YOU to judge him? Is your life that perfect?"

Dom ignored him and leaned toward Sean. "I don't think he's mad at you anymore," he said in a stage whisper. Then he turned to Elijah. "You ever heard of 'taking the piss', Elijah? We've always talked that way to each other and you USED to have a sense of humor about it. What happened to you?"

"Dom," Sean said miserably. "This won't help."

"Sure it will," Dom told him, then turned back to Elijah. "I know you've got trust issues. I don't blame you. But Jesus, Elijah, it's time to either get past it, or put an end to it!"

"Just like that, huh?" Elijah said scornfully.

"No. Not 'just like that'," Dom replied, his voice heavy with sarcasm. "I know it's been hard on you. I know Sean hurt you. But..." he hesitated and glanced at Sean. "He's done just about everything a human being could do to prove himself to you. Maybe it's time to cut him some slack... and for that matter cut US some slack. Sean doesn't need protection from ME."

Elijah made no response but glowered down at the table.

"We've been telling each other how fucked up we are for over ten years, Elijah," Dom continued. "Do you think Sean doesn't know that I mean it with love?"

Sean reached for Elijah's hand and raised it to his lips. "I did know. But thank you for sticking up for me anyway."

"You're welcome," Elijah replied with a small smile. "And you might want to tell 'know-it-all' over there that I have cut you some slack, as he so romantically puts it." 

"I mean besides the blow jobs," Dom said dryly to quick shouts of laughter. Then he grinned at Elijah and reached to pat his arm. "I know you have, Elwood." Then he turned back to Sean. "Listen, Seanie. You have to know she won't back off until you give it to her straight. She wants an honest answer, and furthermore she deserves one. And," he tilted his head toward Elijah, "so does he."

"Now you're sticking UP for me!" Elijah said with a sudden laugh. "Five minutes ago you were bitch slapping me all over the kitchen!"

"This reminds me of Toronto," Billy chirped. Then he turned to Dom and his tone grew more serious. "Are you only talking about these two, Dommie? Or is some of this meant for me."

"Jesus!" Sean spouted. "Too much fucking drama around here today!" 

"Well, yeah," Dom admitted, "but it never stays that way." He turned to Billy. "No, Bills, I wasn't referring to us, at least not consciously. Never even crossed my mind until you said that just now."

"It could apply though," Billy persisted. "Couldn't it?"

"I suppose," Dom said slowly. "If you insist. But I've not asked you to speak to Ali about us. You seem to want both relationships in your life, and I'm totally cool with that."

"And if you weren't...." Billy left the thought unfinished.

"I'd tell you," Dom said firmly.

"Or I would!" Elijah announced. "Since he seems to have no problem minding my business, I figure I should have no problem minding his." He grinned slyly at Dom. "I assume that's fine with you since we always tell each other how fucked up we are. You know. 'Cause we're honest and all."

Dom grimaced and shook his head while Sean laughed out loud. "Painted yourself into THAT corner didn't you," he said, still grinning. "Anyone want more coffee and goat's milk?"

"Goat's milk!" Dom exclaimed peering suspiciously into his coffee mug. "You put goat's milk in my coffee? You're fucking kidding me... right?"

Elijah giggled madly as did Billy, but Sean reached out and tapped Dom's cup, nodding soberly. "Milked it myself."

Dom snorted derisively. "You may have milked something this morning, Astin, but it wasn't a GOAT!"

Elijah and Billy laughed even harder, but Sean only blushed. "You're WRONG," he said brusquely."But nevertheless it IS goat's milk."

"It's really good!" Elijah said enthusiastically. He grabbed the can. "Anyone want any?" 

"I'll give it a go," Billy said, extending his cup toward Elijah who doused it with the creamy liquid.

"Dom?" Sean asked, nodding toward the can and grinning broadly. "More?"

"Not for me, thanks, mate," Dom replied, pushing his coffee cup away. "I'm trying to cut down."

"What do you two have planned for today?" Elijah asked Billy. "Maybe we could all hang out."

"Can't, babes. We're heading to San Diego after breakfast to meet some friends. We'll catch up with you when we get back though."

"Guess you're stuck with just me," Sean said to Elijah, then grinned when Dom pulled a disbelieving face.

"Oh for fuck’s sake spare me!"

"My good lord," Billy mused in his thick Scottish brogue. "We do dance from subject to subject around here. A minute ago it was Sean and Lij and Sean and Chris and Dommie being a jackass and now it's goats!"

Dom snickered. "Jackass, huh."

"Just a small one," Billy said, smiling at him. 

Dom snickered. "Name someone in this room who's not a jackass at times."

"When will you two be back?" Elijah asked, returning to the previous topic.

"A day or two," Dom told him. "We'll call you when we're on our way back... maybe make some plans?" He glanced questioningly at Sean, then Elijah.

"Sure!" Sean said happily. "And Dom? Thanks for sticking up for me."

"Surprised you, didn't it," Dom replied with a grin.

"A little," Sean confessed.

"Well, I know you have done everything a human could do," Dom said firmly. 

"Damn right I have," Sean agreed. "I even asked him to marry me."

Dom's mouth fell open in shock. "No shit!"

"Did he say yes?" Billy blurted, then immediately turned to Elijah. "Did you?"

They both stared open-mouthed at Sean and Elijah, neither of whom spoke. 

"Well?" Dom demanded finally. "One of you say something!"

"I didn't say yes OR no," Elijah grumbled. "No one's business anyway."

"Well, it IS our business if there's gonna be a wedding," Dom stated flatly. "We have to be best men!"

"Or give the bride away," Billy snickered.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Sean muttered.

"You just HAD to mention it, didn't you," Elijah grumbled.

"Of course he had to bring it up," Billy said tartly. "We need to know these things. Gift to buy, date to set, tux to rent."

"Have you picked out a china pattern yet?" Dom asked slyly. 

"Uh, excuse me," Elijah burst out, "but the man is already married! So picking out china patterns would be just a bit fucking premature don't you think?"

"Yeah, but he's working on that," Dom said with a casual shrug. "I think it's great you're even talking about it."

"We're NOT talking about it!" Elijah exclaimed. "Jesus, he said it as a joke!" 

"I suppose," Sean mused with fake innocence, "that it would be a bad idea to tell them that we also talked about adopting kids."

"Oh, kill me now," Elijah moaned.

"Kids??" Billy said brightly. "Wee ones?? You two??" He grinned and poked Elijah arm. "That's great!"

"I want to be godfather," Dom blurted quickly.

"Fine!" Elijah said flatly. "You're godfather. GodMOTHER too if you want!" He scowled at Sean who was giggling uncontrollably. "Brilliant move, Astin."

"Oh, c'mon, Lij," Sean said, grinning at him. "Relax and eat your strawberry cream cheese. It's just a joke."

"I mean I knew things had gotten better between you two," Billy said happily. "But THIS!"

Elijah dipped his finger into the strawberry cream cheese container, captured a blob, and jammed it into his mouth.

"He looks like a baby going after its pacifier," Billy observed, watching Elijah.

"Would you two really do that?" Dom asked Sean quietly, his tone surprisingly serious. "Get married, I mean."

Sean's eyes shot quickly to Elijah, then darted away. "Probably not."

"Even living together would be damaging," Elijah said slowly. "But marriage would most definitely end our careers."

"Well, that's just... sad," Billy observed.

Dom shook his head. "That's the way this town is. A lot of bloviating about gay rights but come right down to it..." he shrugged, leaving the sentence unfinished, his eyes on Billy's face.

"I don't see what's so sad about it," Sean said. "A few months ago he wouldn't even talk to me or let me near him. And even if he DID let me near him he didn't believe a word I said to him. But now...," he smiled at Elijah, "... he lets me make his breakfast."

Elijah giggled abruptly. "Let you? As if you'd take 'no' for an answer."

"But things ARE better between you two," Dom said to Sean. "Right?" Then he turned to Elijah. "Or maybe I should be asking YOU."

Sean stared at the wall, saying nothing. He felt a fearful shudder in his chest. What would Elijah say? Things had been better between them... at least HE thought they had. But did Elijah think so too? Lost in thought, he jumped nervously when Elijah nudged his hand.

"Hey," he said softly.

Sean hesitated then met his eyes. Elijah was smiling tenderly, lovingly. He took Sean's hand in his and turned to Dom. "Things are a LOT better between us. They're not perfect yet. But we're working on it. And...," he turned back to Sean, "I'm completely committed to this relationship."

Sean ducked his head red-faced and embarrassed as hot tears burned his eyes. This was the first time that Elijah had spoken of any sense of commitment he might feel, and Sean was overwhelmed by his unexpected declaration. He quickly dashed away the tears that had fallen to his cheeks and lifted his eyes to Elijah who was still clasping his other hand and smiling. "Thank you," Sean choked out. "That means everything to me, Lij. To hear you say that, I mean. I'm just..." he shook his head, unable to say more.

"Well, I just said it to shut HIM up," Elijah teased, indicating Dom. Then he leaned closer to Sean. "But I meant every word."

"Well, that's good to hear," Billy said brightly.

"It is," Dom concurred. "I only have one question left."

"Oh god," Sean groaned. "Now what?"

"When are you moving in here?" Dom inquired. "And I'm not kidding. I'm serious. Why not do it, Sean? I mean guys DO have roommates. It wouldn't necessarily have to bring the homo hunters out of hiding."

"My house only has one bedroom," Elijah said slowly, "so we couldn't be roommates." He was silent for a moment then continued. "I've thought about it, Dom, believe me I have. But I don't know..." he hesitated, his eyes drifting to Sean. "It's not that I don't want to," he added quickly.

Sean nodded. "I understand, babe. The time just isn't right for it yet. Maybe one day." He hesitated, studying Dom's face for a moment, then spoke again. "But Dom's right about one thing... I do have to let Chris know how things are. I have to let her know that I'm definitely not coming back." He sighed, momentarily gazing at the wall over Elijah's head, then he smiled and looked into Elijah's eyes. "And then," he said with a grin, "I'm going to hunt up my OWN place. And it WILL have more than one bedroom."

"Well," Dom said, reaching for Billy's hand, "now that we've got them all settled, we need to get going."

All four Hobbit actors rose from the table and hugged, then Dom and Billy moved to the back door. "We'll call you in a day or so," Billy told Elijah, "and see you when we get back. Then we'll all just hang out for awhile."

"Good!" Elijah said, hugging him again. "We'll be here."

Once their friends had left, Elijah turned to face Sean who had been standing close behind him, his hands resting on Elijah's shoulders. "I'll miss them," he said a bit sadly.

"Even Dom?" Sean asked with a grin, and when Elijah nodded wordlessly Sean drew him into his arms. He buried his face against Elijah's neck, breathing in deeply to catch the scent of his skin and hair. "I will too," he whispered.

"I'm sorry I haven't been more up front with you, Sean. I should have told you what was bothering me."

Sean leaned back to look into his eyes then shook his head. "You'll tell me what you want to tell me when it feels right to you." His fingers carded through Elijah's hair. "I don't want you to feel like you have to share everything, Lij. You have a right to keep things to yourself 'til you're ready."

Elijah didn't reply, but drew Sean forward and kissed him hungrily. For a moment they swayed, locked in each other's arms, then Sean staggered backwards, pulling Elijah with him, their lips still molded together. His fingers clenched in Elijah's hair, returning his kiss with fierce passion.

"Mmmm, god, Elijah. I never thought I'd..." His back hit the counter, driven into it by Elijah's body. He was breathing heavily and trembling all over.

"You never thought you'd what?" Elijah asked.

Sean drew back and their eyes met. "Never thought I'd feel you in my arms like this again. Never thought I'd hear you say you're committed to our relationship." Sean shook his head and held Elijah tighter. "After that night in Toronto I never thought there'd be any part of you that I could call my own."

Elijah smiled, and Sean quickly added: "Not saying that I own any part of you, baby. I only meant..."

"I know what you meant," Elijah interrupted smoothly, his arms growing tight around Sean's neck. "Toronto was necessary. It led us to where we are now."

Sean nodded wordlessly.

"And to where we'll end up in the future." He felt Sean laugh softly and kiss his neck.

"With Dom as our best man and Billy in a dress giving you away?" Sean joked, still giggling.

Elijah leaned back and scowled. "Oh good lord."

Sean laughed out loud and kissed his cheek. "If we ever DO get married I promise we'll elope!"

"Thank you!" Elijah chuckled. "But as for right now...." He tilted his head toward the stairway leading to his bedroom. "How about we engage in a little Sunday afternoon delight?" 

Sean's arms tightened around him. "God, babe, I'd love it. And Elijah?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

"Hey, I know a much better way to thank me," Elijah teased, tugging Sean toward the stairs. "Just move your ass and I'll be glad to demonstrate."

Sean laughed happily. "My ass is yours to command." 

And they sprang up the stairs... together.

-end


End file.
